Laying it all out for everyone to see..

Lately things have been building up and for once I'm just going to lay it all out there. How it's going to be received or honestly, even read is another story. I don't want pity or anything I just need to finally do this, I am not looking for any sort of pity though. Please don't pity me.

I honestly don't know who I am anymore. It has been building for a long time and it seems to finally hit the nail on the coffin. Who am I? I know the basics, 25, married and mom of 3. Beyond that, what else do I have to offer? Nothing. I have lost my voice, my thoughts, my feelings. I've become entombed into this whole situation that I'm falling apart and I don't think anyone sees it. Or if they do they've never out right said anything.

I'm lost. I'm physically here, I go about daily life but I don't think anything ever feels accomplished. I'm 25 and feel like I have done nothing significant in my life aside from having 3 beautiful boys. I can't do much more due to restrictions with money. I am losing me and I hate this. Yes, all signs of my feelings point to depression, I'm well aware of this. I've suffered previously after having a baby and before then as a teenager. I am looking into help but nothing ever comes easy. I hate getting up in the morning. I don't want to do anything during the day. It shows, we suffer, my boys suffer. They aren't getting me 100% and that's not fair nor right. I'm here, I meet all their basic needs but I can do better. I know I can. I try but I fall flat on my face. I shouldn't have to push myself to play with my children. I can do better. I know I'm able to and I know its in there wanting to, I just have to finally see a dr about it. I can't do it on my own this time. I did after having D, but this time with how stressful my pregnancy was (not the pregnancy itself, just life) and how stress has still been around afterwards, I can't.

Bringing it up to someone to just talk about isn't going to happen. I don't want to be a debbie downer. I'm drawing myself in even more and this can't go on. This expression on my face is as empty as I feel.

In all honesty, my boys are my greatest accomplishments in life.. I'm not doing my best and I see this. I am going to change this. Today.

Aside from all that I just want to feel like I can do something else. In my last post I wanted to start a hobby. Possibly become good at it and I have yet to do so. I've started it but become so easily frustrated with it that I have to back away. It's so annoying to me. I just wish I had that personality that could do something publicly. Where I could be successful on my own. I don't. I'm too shy, even on here. I'm actually shocked I have the guts to write this but we'll see if I hit publish. Knowing me I'll start writing and then just stop or finish it and let it sit in a draft for who knows how long. I'm jealous of those who can do what I want. I'm happy for them but yes, I am jealous. My shyness holds me back so much. Which I think also plays into depression.

I'm also dealing with bad Anxiety. I've never really dealt with it before but this is getting me down big time. I'm so anxious about phone calls, who's calling me. I'm anxious about the mail, I dread getting it because it's going to be something bad. I know these can be normal but its so heightened I would rather ignore the mail then get it. But then it makes me anxious that I am not dealing with what is possibly in there.

Constant fear that something is going to go wrong, that I'm going to lose one of my boys. I hate the car, absolutely hate it now. I've always been a bit nervous when in the car because I have no control over other drivers but this is getting bad. I am afraid I'm going to die every. single. time. I get into a car. It shouldn't be like that.  Not able to fall asleep at night because my brain won't shut off, my mind constantly racing. I can't keep going on like this. We are all suffering because of this.

I'm not happy, I'm lost. I'm feeling like a failure in so many ways. I just had to get this out there.. With hitting publish post it will be for whoever reads it to see. I'm going to make my call when I hit publish, I'm going to finally be able to get the help I've been trying to for the past few months. Hopefully it'll come sooner but I'm trying.

If you read this all, thank you. Please don't judge me or look down on me. I am only human.