It's May and here we are, sitting in the same position and yet somewhat worse then the start of the year. My children are healthy and that is the biggest thing that is the most important thing to me. They are the ones that matter the most, they are the ones who need to be cared for first. I will make damn sure that is what happens. I hope that this isn't too much disruption even though I know it is.
We spoke to the big kid tonight about it all. Being up front and honest, but in a way a 4 year old could understand. He shouldn't have to be clued in on what is going on but he knows, he knows when something is wrong. He took it hard but understands that in the end, it will all be okay. We, we will all be okay. That he and his brother(s) are our first priority and we will make sure their needs are met. We want them to still be happy and love life. He started asking questions and we answered them. He is too smart for his own good. It makes me happy to know that he is. He may be goofy but the boy is smart.
I feel like we failed. I know we didn't, we're making the right choice. But how can this make you feel? It really makes me feel like we really failed. We failed in life and we failed kids. We just need to catch a damn break. This is beginning to be too much and with the pregnancy, it is not good. Not a single bit. I am trying to relax like everyone says but it just isn't that easy. I don't sleep anymore, between either of the boys waking up from either falling out of the toddler bed (little guy is still getting the hang of it, thank you pillows!) or bad dreams from the big kid and my own thoughts/pregnancy keeping me up. Its becoming too much. I'm tired all the time, I'm becoming depressed. I need a break, we need a break. Yet no money to even just drive somewhere.
When is enough, enough?
