Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Struggling to continue

Today hasn't been a good day for me. Everything else is fine but my mind has been pretty cruel. I am constantly thinking about my failure. I'm not looking for pity and I know people will tell me I didn't fail. It however feels like it's my fault. Like I could have done something different. I am not sure how but it feels like it. I just don't get it. I don't feel like it's fair.

I fought hard to breastfeed, to make sure we kept going and I can't tell you the numerous times I wanted to just give up. Say fuck it and go on but I didn't. I carried through and here I am. Why can't I do what my body was created to do? Why can't I give it the 100%? It makes me just want to give up on it all together. I'm not but I have my moments of "Why bother?" It's hard to be happier for those who can do it no problem, who are successful at it. It's great, don't get me wrong  but right now when I'm feeling like this yeah, it's hard.

Tomorrow is another day, I know I'll feel better. Today has just hit hard because he fights to nurse at times. Those fights cause me to feel more like a failure. The SNS isn't helping with him I have to duct tape the thing to me in order to be 100% successful. He's grabby and gets pissed if he isn't getting it all. Wrestling him to nurse is just tiring at times. We're trying, I'm trying. Sometimes it's just tempting to stop. He's 6 1/2 months which is awesome.

Just definitely one of those days where I feel like it's too much now. The fighting to get him to latch even though it's obvious he wants to nurse. The laziness on his part, the ripping of the SNS. It's becoming too much and I hope after getting a good nights sleep that everything will feel better. I will push forward as long as I can. My heart is in it, I want to make it to my next goal of 9 months. Even if it isn't exclusive, it's still something. Just days like today where I want to throw in the towel and call it quits.

I'll keep pushing forward, fighting off the feelings the whole way.

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