Friday, December 31, 2010

My Goodbye to 2010

Two Thousand and Ten, the year of nothing but pretty much complete and total shit. You started off bad and are ending pretty much on the same note that you started with. I was hoping that maybe during some point and time during the year you would have changed course and got a lot better but you didn't. You continued to keep pushing us down and for that I say, fuck you.

One good thing came out of this year and that was the birth of Bishop. Our lives are much better with him, our year is still sucky. Bishop's birth brought happiness we needed, joy, comfort and closeness. He fits into our family as if he has been in it for years. So one thing I want to thank you for 2010 is Bishop, so here, Thank you!

Now, do you think we can make 2011 better? Can we make it so we're not struggling month to month anymore? Really? Because that sucked ass big time. I'd love a time where we could just comfortably be again, all bills paid and money left over. We haven't been there since summer of 2009. We've done all that we could to make sure it was better then it was but the struggle was still there. I am thankful for family. Jason busts his ass to make what he can. So please, help us out here 2011?

So here is to the bad being behind us, here is to me having a better outlook on the new year. Here is to us even if we struggle still having each other. Here is to my family being together, healthy and happy. Here is to a better outcome, more optimism, less stress, less depression. Heres to us.

I will not let 2011 bring me down like I did 2010. I will have my ups and downs but even during those downs i will remind myself I am still lucky. I will do my best to be happier.

So Happy New Year to all of those who read this. I wish you a wonderful 2011. Even if you have your ups and downs you find the good in all. Love to you all!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Happy Holidays! 50 free Shutterfly cards

I have wanted to take advantage of Shutterfly and their many options between mouse pads, photo books, mugs, calendars, all sorts of cards and regular prints. They offer pretty much everything. Through the grapevine I have found that they're offering 50 free card prints to bloggers. Since the holidays are here, I thought I would use this for my holiday cards. I dug around to find some of my favorites and they offer so many good templates for family cards. It was tough to even choose!

Here are just a few that they have to offer. There are hundreds more!

I'm excited to order our cards this year!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Happy 2nd Birthday, Dane!

November 28th, 2008 Dane was born. He came into this world after 15 hours of labor, born at home as my first successful VBAC. Dane came into our lives and hearts and has kept them so warm ever since. He is our 2nd born, just 6 weeks shy of being 3 years apart from his older brother.

He healed me knowing my body wasn't broken. His birth was long and but definitely wonderful. We have since moved out of the house he was born in. I'm still torn about that. We were outgrowing the house but leaving the home I had him in, tore at my heart. It still does. I miss it a lot. I know it seems silly to some but the connection to when you birth your child at home (to me at least) is strong to the house.

Anyways, today he is 2. Two! It's so crazy to think that time has flown by so quickly. He was 1 week late, due on my husbands birthday but decided to hold out for his own. We called his birthday (honestly we have with all 3 boys birthdays too!) and he decided Black Friday would be an awesome day. I did my shopping online while in early labor. So we didn't miss out too much on some great deals :)

I just can't believe he's 2! I can't. He's so bright and ever since he gave up his bink his vocabulary has just taken off. He talks in 3-4 word sentences, he asks for things directly instead of grunting. He picks up words daily and is just amazing. Definitely still our chunkamunk. His 2 year well child check up is on the 1st, so we'll know his for sure weight and height then. He was 30lbs on our scale but that has a mind of its own.

Oh gee what else. He loves both his brothers, so gentle with Bishop and tackles Gage. He doesn't up with his crap haha. They now have bunk beds so he's in his big boy bed. Loves Woody and Buzz, Ni Hao Ki-Lan, Dora and Diego (Which he calls go-go) and is in love with Trains. As well as cars. We bought him 2 Thomas DVD's ($5 a piece, you can't beat that) and a ni hao ki-lan color wonder as well as a 140ct mega blok set. He'll be in tot heaven. He loves to watch The Polar Express because of the Choo-Choo Train.

My baby boy is two! I am so thankful that this birthday he is healthy! Happy Birthday to my sweet snuggle bug chunkamunk trouble. You came into this world and brought such joy to us all. You continue to do the same every day, even when you are being a little goob. Your giggles and full out big belly laughs are contagious as well as your gorgeous smile. You will do great things on this earth baby boy. I am proud to be your mama and I know daddy is proud to be your daddy. Your brothers love you dearly. Stay you Dane, you will do great things.

An hour old

6 months old

His 1st birthday

1 1/2 years old!

And TWO!

Monday, November 8, 2010

My own worst enemy

Everyone is their own worst enemy. Their own worst critic. I definitely am. I have a few things in life (aside from my kids and husband) that i really love. One of them being photography. By no means right now am I any where near a professional level. All I know is what i've done in research to learn. No real formal training and right now if I wanted to, I couldn't afford it. It has just always been something that I've enjoyed.

Now I want to take it somewhere. Do something with what I love and I feel like I'm going to fail. Fall flat on my ass. I know I can take decent photos but decent doesn't get you anywhere. I'm afraid to take pictures of other peoples kids/families because like I've already said, I'm my own worst critic. I could see the bad in all of them and want to scrap it. It's just my fears.

It's holding me back. I do want to find some local workshops or an online school that is affordable just for photography. To get a better understanding of it all. I get it, but what would hurt on learning more? It wouldn't hurt at all, it would be to my advantage. I want to do this, I want to succeed. I don't need to be huge, I just want a small side business. Doing something I know I love.

Just to get over the fears and constant self criticism. It'll never happen, I know that but at least how to kick them back some so I could be somewhat successful. I can do it, I have faith. I just have to I guess find a way to dig deep down inside myself and pull out the confidence. It's in there, somewhere. Hidden, probably behind the liver or something.

I will probably have Jason help me with the editing process so I don't go overboard. He can give me the eye of "okay, you've done just enough, no more!" rather then "I can fix this, or that, oh and this!" that I would be telling myself.

Oh confidence where oh where are you? Come out and play-ay. Oh Confidence, come out and play-ay. I really need to get that out of my head now. Back to what i was talking about. I know I could become something really good, especially in birth photography. I just have to muster the damn guts to 1. get over any and all shyness so i can 1a. meet people, 2a. direct people and 2. be successful. Without that, I can't get anywhere and kick my own worst enemy in the ass.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Being 'that mom'

Recently I've been thinking about it and really started to wonder. Am I really, 'that mom'? You know, the mom who really only talks about her kids. All day, every day. With maybe the occasional "My husband did this/that" thrown into the mix.

So here is my formal apology. I am sorry if I talk about my child's random pooping habits because lets face it, with an infant when they can't go their miserable. Which in turn makes me miserable, then that makes everyone else miserable. It's a snowball effect. Once I'm unhappy, everything else is down hill from there. But hey, who likes to see their 2 month old in pain? I know i don't. So yeah, if he poops 3 times in one day which is very unusual for him, I will shout with glee from the rooftops. I'm that mom.

I'm sorry if I talk about my oldests quirky, amusing and hilarious chats I have with him. Or how he tells me that boys can't nurse babies but he wishes he could. He's at that age where pretty much everything that comes out of his mouth is should be documented. For either future laughs with him and going "yes, you really said that!" or the embarrassing stories for future dates. Who doesn't want those? After three kids, my memory is shot so I have to write it down somewhere. So if you're connected to one of those somewheres, I apologize.

I'm sorry if I talk about how my almost 2 year old has the strangest habits, words, moves and movements. I'm sorry if I talk about how he's sitting here on my lap right now burping and finding it hilarious while I am not laughing. Yes, he's a boy. It shows. He's also his fathers son, again, it shows.

Im sorry if talking about these things seem constant, all the time, never ending but honestly, they're my kids. My life, my world. So yes, I may talk about how my oldest is upset he doesn't have the way to nurse the baby like mama does, or how my middlest (yes we call him that) is a goofball all the way around or how my youngest just took 3 poops in one day and we were thrilled. I'm sorry if it bothers you, but i'm not sorry for saying it. They're my babies and a big part of me.

I guess being 'that mom' has its ups and downs but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Today is a big day for me

Today is a big one, Mr. Bishop is 6 weeks old today! I know, I know you probably think I'm crazy and actually have every right to think so. I however am very grateful for today. Today marks 6 weeks of successfully breastfeeding AND he is gaining weight! That and right there, that is what I am so happy about. He's gaining weight. He's getting fat, pudgy, rolly polly like. He's not losing or staying at one steady weight. This means a lot to me. It means it's working. It means he's getting all the nourishment and filling his belly from breastmilk.

Now, you are probably wondering why I'm so ecstatic. If you don't know (which I'm sure few of you don't) is because I tried breastfeeding Dane. At 6 weeks old, Dane wasn't gaining weight. He wasn't losing. He stayed at a steady weight that eventually started to become concerning to his doctor. She who is very pro-breastfeeding was uncomfortable with how he wasn't gaining. With how he didn't seem to be getting enough to fill and nourish him like he should. It made me feel like a failure, like I couldn't do this one thing right. At 3 months we started supplementing but at 6 weeks she started taking notice in his weight gain or really lack of.

My biggest fear when Bishop arrived we would suffer the same that we did with Dane (photo of him at 6 weeks to the right). Once Dane started to supplement he flourished. He gained weight so fast that he went from our skinny little baby to the nickname chunkamunk. He self weaned at almost 9 months. So he had some, not  lot at then and the formula was his main source but we made it far even if it wasn't just me.

So yes, 6 weeks this time around with the weight gain, the fat face, legs, thighs, wrist rolls and chunky tummy, yes I am happy. Very happy. I think I have every right to be. The struggles we had with Dane broke my heart and now i get my chance at success. I wish everyone who wanted this could experience it.

Our next nursing milestone is 3 months and at this rate I have no fear that we won't make it and he won't be even fatter! I have hope and that hope will keep me going. So yes, laugh at me if you must but this makes me feel good inside. It makes me feel happy that its going great, that we're getting the bond I wanted with Gage and lost with Dane. I feel like we finally got it right. Ups and downs are always there with nursing. Bishop and I have had ours but he's been like a pro from day one. No issues latching and surpassed his birth weight by 3 weeks. As well as the weight Dane was at, at 3 months. They weighed the same, if you need an idea of how the weight difference was. At 3 months Dane weighed what Bishop weighed at 3 weeks, they were both the same weight at birth.

So I feel I earned this and cannot wait until we earn our 3 month award as well :)

ps, a little side note - the outfit bishop is wearing both parts are 3 months old and he fits just fine in them. Dane never would have at that age!

6 weeks!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Saying Goodbye to the bink

Time to say goodbye to our old friend the bink. It's a lot sooner then we had planned honestly but he seems to be doing very well. He started off by chewing 95% of the binks he had and we told him, when you chew and break the last one they're gone. No more. He however lost his last bink and we cannot locate it. So we kinda were pushed into the no more bink situation sooner then we thought we would be. Dane seems to be handling it like a champ though! He took a nap yesterday sans bink and even went to bed without one. He was supposed to take a nap without one today but the whole nap thing didn't happen. He did just go down to bed without one and so far no peep.

He's doing very well, a lot better then I figured. It may sound bad but the bink was his comfort item. He adjusted so well to Bishop being here that the bink seems to just be another thing of the past. Which is good. He did not ask for it once today which I figured he would. Nope. I'm so proud of him! He's doing so well with this. 

So, Goodbye bink! I hope you make another baby happy like you did Dane.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

It's the great pumpkin! Or not..

October is by far probably my favorite month out of the whole year. Where we live the tree colors are changed, the air is crisp and the temps are nice and cool. Its my ideal weather. If only it could be like this all year. Comfortable and beautiful. Ha, if only! This past weekend was a very good one, one we haven't had in a long time. Saturday we got the boys their halloween costumes and then had my mom and step-dad over for homemade pizza and a few rounds of Euchre (you-ker). Jason and I beat their butts by the way, but thats another post to brag about.

Sunday we decided since we knew this would be the only time this month we'd have extra money to do it, we'd go to the pumpkin patch. This is one tradition we do yearly. I grew up going with my mom and apple picking as well that it was something that I wanted to continue with my children. It's fun going out in a tractor into the fields to search for your perfect pumpkin, instead of going into a grocery store and just grabbing one.

We had a great time, everything came together how we wanted. Dane was cute because he was afraid of the big tractor as it came back to pick us up. He held onto me and Jason got a photo of him. He looked so afraid! Gage had a blast picking out the gigantic pumpkins. He kept wanting to take them home haha. We finally settled on 3 pumpkins. Gage got the biggest, Dane the medium and Bishop the smallest.

Both boys enjoyed the tractor ride and Bishop slept soundly in the moby wrap. It was an all around good day despite a few setbacks, we all had fun. Oh and got some very yummy donuts and cider!

I love this time of year because of these things. Making special memories for my boys that I had when I was growing up. Each year it'll get better and better. These are memories I want my boys to have forever.

See the rest beyond this link!

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Mr. Bishop!

Mr Bishop is finally 1 month! Time sure is flying and I can't believe it. I swore it would take forever for him to send me into labor and here we are, he's a month old already. Well, yesterday October 1st he turned a month but I didn't get a chance to make a post.

We are getting coo's now, nursing like a champ as well as social smiles! I am loving every moment with him. I love seeing the older boys interacting with him as well. Melts my heart :)

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Life with three..

Yesterday Bishop turned 2 weeks old! I cannot believe it. I have slacked in writing in here but honestly, can you blame me? I have two wonderful big kids and an adorable newborn. My hands are full! We seem to be falling into a routine as a family of 5 but we know hiccups will come and go. It's all apart of adjusting to a new baby in the family.

Jason is back at work and so my days pretty interesting, haha. Gage is my biggest help. Bishop is 100% breastfed so we nurse a lot during the day. During the last two months of my pregnancy I taught Gage how to get his own drinks and snacks (with my permission of course) to be a bit more help. He loves the new found independence as well.

Adjustment is going well all around, both boys have taken to Bishop quite nicely. Gage is ecstatic to have a baby in the house. This time is much more exciting for him because he can understand it better and the super big helper. Even if that means to keep Dane downstairs in the playroom for a few. He's a great help. Dane adores Bishop. We thought jealousy would be there from the get go but it isn't. We know it will show up sooner or later, we're not naive.  However he loves to soothe him, give him a bink when he cries and just love and kiss him. He's too sweet with him.

I'm surviving. I'm finding my way with 3 kids. I've always been told going from 1 to 2 was hard and from 2 to 3 was easy peasy. It is easy so far but I will say there are bumps there in the road. We're getting over them but it's a bit difficult. Each day we tackle at a time. Gage's help is wonderful, he loves to help. I still want him to do his own thing so he doesn't become like my own little constant helper. I hope to be in our routine completely soon. We're close, we've got our mornings down pact. Our days are still falling into place since Dane is getting up earlier we're adjusting around his naps. On top of it all, Bishop is in a growth spurt and I think Dane (well I  hope..) is finally cutting his 2 year molars.

Life is good, changed but good. All for the better. I love my 3 little men :) Changes are no fun, especially for little kids but I do have to say they're doing so great. Sometimes I think better than I am haha.

However it is definitely time for bed so Goodnight all! I'll leave you with the first photo of all 3 of my beautiful boys together :)

Monday, September 6, 2010

He's here!

Bishop Theodore
September 1st, 2010
7lbs 14oz 20 3/4in
Born at home

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Today is just another day

I've come to the conclusion I will one day give birth to a 30 year old. Yup, you read correctly. I honestly think this child has no intentions of ever coming out. Hey, I really wouldn't have an issue with it if I could roll over in bed easily or get off the couch without trying 5 times. If I could do normal things, I just wouldn't care. But I can't, so I do. Kid needs to get the damn memo.

I however have gotten to the point that I go to bed knowing I'll sleep as best as I can and I know I'll wake up still pregnant. My days will go on as they normally have and no labor will come of anything. It's just how it is. I'm 41 weeks tomorrow (40 week belly picture to the left taken 8/22) and I have a feeling tomorrow I'll wake up and just go about my day then go to bed, just like usual. I have no real hope of any day bringing on labor. I wish it would but waking up thinking "Today is the day!" just isn't happening anymore.

We both think that Sept 1st will be his birthday. I really don't have an issue with it, but it would have been nice not going through the whole "due month" waiting for baby. You know? Hey, come out when you're supposed to! I had a feeling he'd be late. I mean, both the other boys were, why would he be any different? It would have been nice to have an early baby but hey, my uterus doesn't play games damn-it.  Gage was born at 40 weeks and 5 days, Dane born at 41 weeks exactly. So it could be possible I go to sleep tonight and be in labor tomorrow, but I highly doubt it. We're thinking labor may start the 31st and Bishop will be born on the 1st.

A joke we've started is when we're ready for baby #4 is that we have to plan for either July or March. Why? Because If Bishop is born in Sept, that puts October between him and Dane's birthdays. Dane was born in November, that puts December in between Gage and Dane's birthday. Since Gage was born in January (due at end of Dec) that would make February the month in between March. So, if we aim for baby #4, We'd have either February in between birthdays or August. So July or March. See where I'm going with this? Its a silly joke but slightly amusing to us.

So basically the point of this post? The kid isn't going to ever come out. I'll be pregnant forever. I've accepted this and will go about my days as the forever pregnant lady. I'll probably make it into Guinness World Records as the freaky pregnant lady. I go to bed and wake up knowing my days will be normal.

The kid hates me, mhm. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. I dare you to prove me wrong child ;)

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Let's take some bets

So, let's start taking "bets" on when this little guy will decide to show his face and give us a birthday to celebrate every year. I had two good intuitions on when the other boys would be born and I was right. I've had some this time around but it's been too iffy to know if that day will be the actual correct day. Really, all I can do is sit around and wonder, wait and see. If the day comes and goes, well then I was wrong haha. But I'm curious as to what others thing.

Obviously as you all know I am past my "due date". I know I'd go past, but that didn't stop my hopes from going a wee bit early. I didn't. So here I am, "late" again. I can seem to never make it to the party on time huh?

I was "due" on August 22nd. It is now the 24th. Gage was born at 40 weeks and 5 day's gestation. Dane was born at 41 weeks gestation exactly. So, there you have it.

  1. What day do you think he'll arrive?
  2. How far along do you think I will be?
  3. What time of day do you think he'll arrive?
  4. What do you think his weight will be?
  5. Height?

So, c'mon people. Comment on this blog post and let me know!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

According to; 39 weeks

Your baby's waiting to greet the world! He continues to build a layer of fat to help control his body temperature after birth, but it's likely he already measures about 20 inches and weighs a bit over 7 pounds, a mini watermelon. (Boys tend to be slightly heavier than girls.) The outer layers of his skin are sloughing off as new skin forms underneath.
Ah, joy. So I've got a watermelon hanging out inside of me. Really, do we need to put the size of a baby into food perspective? I mean, when he was the size of a Jicama (Seriously, what the hell is that?) that was fine and dandy because it's something i've never heard of. But must we, must we compare the baby to a snack I enjoy? I'll feel guilty the next time I eat a mini watermelon! Damn you babycenter.

Anyways, so I'm 39 weeks and 3 days. I have 4 days until I'm due. I hope he comes sooner then later. I've done the whole late thing, it's not all its cracked up to be. I'm ready, he better be ready. I'm just more ready to be able to stand up without assistance or being able to roll over in bed without it taking 15 damn minutes to do so! Sleep, I want sleep. Also, don't bother with the whole "Once you have a newborn be prepared not to sleep!" I slept better after each of my boys births then I did during my pregnancies, so HA. I know he may be different, but I will still probably sleep better. Dane was our fussy baby, he was the harder one out of our current two. We survived though and you can bet your ass i got more sleep when he was fussier then when I was pregnant. 

I'm ready though. So Bishop, here it is, I'm calling you out kidlet. Time to be born and soon! I'm ready and overly anxious to meet you. We need you out here with us because you'd be such a wonderful welcoming distraction. Plus I bet your uber adorable like your brothers were. Who doesn't love babies? I love babies! So, lets get this party started. You start the labor and I'll do all the hard work, mk? Okay.

Baby and uterus, get the memo! We must prove Naomi wrong ;)

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

No longer the baby

Please note, this was written yesterday 8/16. However it was posted today.

Last night was a long night for Dane and I. Since my MIL was visiting, Gage camped out in the playroom with her and that left Dane to sleep in their room alone. So, in order to have him adjust and have fun himself we let him sleep in his big brothers bed. Around 4am he must have rolled off the bed. It's a low twin bed but enough to startle him. I heard him tumble and start to cry so I went to check and make sure he was okay. Got him back into bed and sat with him for a few. When I thought I was in the clear I got up and left. He wasn't having it so I sat back down. It was this time I realized shortly he won't be my baby anymore. I mean, he'll always be my baby, but he won't be the baby anymore.

Sitting on the end of the bed and his little feet wiggling around, trying to get comfortable. It made me think, these feet are still so tiny but they soon won't be the smallest in the house. I'm having a hard time grasping this and coming to terms that he won't actually be the youngest anymore. I had more time for the preparation between Gage and Dane, then I do Dane and Bishop. The spacing between the older two is almost (seriously 6 weeks shy of) 3 years. These two, will be 20/21 months apart. A lot less time. We got pregnant with Dane the month after Gage turned 2. So yeah, big leap of difference. One was easier to prepare for.

It's quite strange to think soon our family will have another one added. We've always wanted more kids. Its just weird to actually have it happen against our plans. I know that it'll be like he was always there and a perfect fit. Its just weird to think. We're days away from him making his appearance and days away from Dane not being my littlest anymore. He'll be a great big brother I know it. Just like Gage is a great big brother. He has a wonderful brother to model.

Now, its time to get those last little baby snuggles in before we have a new baby in the house. Am I ready? I don't know. I don't think I'll ever be ready for 3 and two of them under 2. Soon I'll have a 5 year old, 2 year old and a baby under 1. Crazy. I'm not ready but the jump is right there!

Ready or not, here we go.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Blame it on the pregnancy

I suck, I know. Even though I don't know why because I doubt anyone is honestly checking up every day to see if there is any sort of update on me and what not. Anyways, I'm 38 weeks pregnant now. I'll be 39 on Sunday and then due the following weekend. It seems like it's dragging forever. Forever, I say! Not a fan of this even though this isn't my first time around on the pony ride. The end is always the suckiest part. Mainly for me because you are in the waiting game. The game your uterus is playing with you. You get fake outs every once and awhile, they're that evil thing called Braxton Hicks contractions. Asshole things honestly.

The end is the worst for me right now this pregnancy mainly because life took over for the rest. Then around 35 weeks everything fell back into it's fucked up place and here I am. Left to sit and think about when this baby will come. Thats the crap part. Not knowing and not having control over it. Since I am having another (my 2nd) home birth I basically get to sit and twiddle my thumbs. Its in Bishop's court now. Figures. My kids like to come late to the party.

So, yeah, life has been interestingly boring. The bigger kids keep me occupied but when you have 5+ weeks left to dwell on a pregnancy that flew by for 34 weeks, it sucks. Every twinge, every contraction, weird feeling and all that jazz makes you go crazy. If I could I'd ask for an induction. I won't do it because I know it won't happen unless we go forever overdue. But yes I have my moments of weakness, who doesn't? Hell during labor with Dane I wanted to beg for an epidural but I knew it would have been pointless given the fact I was at home and my midwife doesn't drag around an anastesialogist or however the hell you spell it.

So really I've had no excuse for not updating with a photo or some stupid little snippit of my life. Really it's probably just pure laziness that i don't update. I should. Its a fun outlet for random crap going on in my pretty much non eventful life.

Speaking of, the youngest is getting into the fridge for the 10th time in a row. I must go stop him and hear how horrible I am because he'll cry. Damn me! Eh, another joy in the parenting world.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Mama's done

I am just done. Really, done. The hormones this time around are vicious. I woke up happy go lucky and not even an hour later I'm ready for the day to be over and I do not want to talk to a single person. Yup, all that change in an hour. Great isn't? The boys are eating breakfast and I love them dearly but you really don't need to repeat what you want 5 times. I heard you the first time, I'm making it the way you requested.. give me a break before I need time out.

So dear hormones, you can screw off now. No, really, I mean it. I have no use or want for you. You do nothing but create tension and anger which really isn't needed at this point in the game. I personally do not enjoy being upset over trivial and stupid things. Really, I don't. I can figure a better way to spend my day then being annoyed because someone just walked through my living room with shoes on. Well, no, that probably would annoy me not being pregnant. Need a better example.. hm, well, I can see a better way of spending my day then being annoyed over 5 things sitting on my kitchen counter that I didn't put there. See, there's one.

I feel like I have gone pregnant lady crazy. I honestly do. I'm ready for the hormones to even out but I have probably another year of that! Soon baby will be here and then that means you have the whole post partum hormones. I hope I do not deal with PPD again.

I just don't want to feel crazy anymore! Really, is that too hard to ask for body? Is it?!

The boys deserve me sane. Not crying over silly little things or angry that something isn't right. They probably think I'm some lunatic that took over their moms body.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

A Thank You!

Yesterday started out as any typical Saturday. We got Dane down for a nap and decided that would be the perfect time to watch Shutter Island (which we both quite enjoyed.) About half-way through our mail man came. Jason went and got it and came back in with two things. 1. A magazine, which we have no idea why they're still sending it, we didn't renew haha. 2. A package. The package was for me and it caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting anything, well I was but it comes in a box and is a birth kit, haha.

He asked me who lived in KY that I knew and I explained to him who. A wonderful friend who is the awesome co-host to a board where my youngest birth group is. This past year has been hard on us, both financially, physically and mentally. Due to our finances being very very tight we haven't been able to really prepare for this baby. I hate it but it's true. We have all our big items, crib, dresser, changing table.. etc. Having 2 other boys really helps. Our biggest dilemma falls in clothing. We have a ton of winter clothing for newborns but none for a summer baby! Without any extra spending money I couldn't buy any just yet.

So yesterday, when I opened my package and saw these, my heart just filled with joy. Sarah, thank you. You truly are a wonderful person. An amazing kind hearted sweet person! You're an awesome friend to have and this surprise was such a wonderful thing!

Its nice to know that there are still caring people out there. Sarah, you are one! Thank you so much again :)

xx Marisa

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Crazy in Debt, it's Official!

Ah, this past year has been nothing but an emotional roller coaster. The whole journey began when our youngest landed in the hospital 2 hours from home because of a very big and deep abscess in his neck. Thankfully he is okay but our lives financially had been turned upside down. We have gone up and down those nasty hills and our exit to the happy-go-lucky highway seems to be coming up very quickly! How awesome is that? Lets hope the exit is sooner then later. We can see it but we don't know how far away it is.

Yesterday, Tuesday July 20th, Jason signed our closing papers to our house. It has been a long drawn out process that at one point in time we honestly thought we never would reach. We were so close to giving up and walking away. It's still stressful because well now, you look at it and think "well crap, what did I really just get myself into?!" But in the end, the outcome is much better then anything else. We have our own home. A home for our 3 boys to grow up in, a yard for them to play in. A place to call our own. Not dumping money into a place that isn't ours. No restrictions on what we can and cannot do. Its lovely and it'll take some time to just get used to it though. But its ours! Now we need a few other things to fall into place and life will finally be back to being good.

That is our house :) it does have grass now though and all the plants/bushes are much bigger. I just didn't feel like getting a new picture haha. So this is it, this is our home. The home my husbands own two hands built.

Friday, July 9, 2010

I had a post to make

and then my Mac died. Well, semi died. No clue exactly what is wrong with it or why but I can't access it. So, all the photos I was going to use for my 4th of July weekend recap are unusable. Since they're on that computer. I am now on a Dell and do not like it frankly. I'm not used to windows anymore.

Lame. I guess I'll attempt an actual update when I can. Or whenever the hell I get used to Windows again.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Whoa, Glucose!

This is what Bishop looks like at 32 weeks :). I'm actually 32 weeks and 3 days now. I had my appointment today with my midwife to see how all is going. It was a fairly good appointment. After getting good news today, to go onto hearing Bishop's heartbeat was just the icing to the cake. However nothing in my life can go simple, can it? Haha - nope!

Ah so, I didn't have to use the restroom when we got there so we decided go ahead with our appointment as usual. I brought up my concerns to her about my period cramping and stabbing pain on my left side, right where my c-section scar is. That scared me the most, I was afraid something was going wrong. Thankfully she believes it has to do with his positioning and how the cramping is contributing to that. She stressed water (which i chug) and resting as well as trying to put heat on the area. So either a nice hot bath to soak in the heat or a hot towel with castor oil rubbed on the cramping area. So she had some left over castor oil, when it starts to happen again, i'll try that then a bath.

My BP was good, 128/78, lost a pound or two. I can't remember the exact weight of last appointment. Then, then, I did my urine check. My protein tested negative but holy mother of glucose, that tested between 250-500! I couldn't believe it! So, now we're doing urine checks till saturday twice daily. I also have to check my blood sugar at home and see how that goes. So it'll be interesting. I surely hope it was a fluke! I couldn't believe how fast that turned from yellow to a deep green, just shocked.

So here we stand. I'll do my testing and call her on Saturday like she wants me too. Hopefully everything remains normal and doesn't skyrocket back up. I just want it to be a fluke.

Did you know Bishop weighs as much as a jicama? I have no clue what a jicama is but supposedly that is what he weighs as much aha. I can't wait to meet him. I can't wait to have him at home and to add to our family of boys. I'm very excited. He is a blessing to our lives, just like my other boys. I feel he was given to us during a time we needed him. Gage also cannot wait to have a baby in the house again. He can't wait to help change Bishop's diapers haha. Child has no clue what he just offered himself up for!

xx Marisa

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Stress and stuff

I have definitely learned a lot about myself in these past few months. Well honestly, since last December. However it has definitely become a lot more showing to me these past two months when everything in our lives has been extremely stressing.

These past few months have really brought my strength to me in a whole new light. We have been living very tight because of the current situation. It has taught me something about myself that I never knew. I can live frugally. It was hard to adjust too but I have really learned a lot. Its been easier to go without things that I want and only buying those things that we need, but making sure we find a deal on it so we can stretch our money a bit better.

I’ve always been decent with money but I admit, I liked to get extras when they weren’t warranted. Mainly on the boys but who doesn’t love spending money on their kids? With how our money situation has been lately we’ve definitely learned if you don’t need it, you don’t buy it. We’ve taken to doing some very stealth grocery shopping and making a small amount of money last as long as we can.

Hopefully come Monday we’ll hear good news and that’ll only bring this tight budget time to a close. I won’t lose what I have learned though. I’ve already explained to Jason that when things are better again, we’ll still practice our frugalness to stretch our money as far as we can. To make sure we have a good savings and If something heaven forbid like this happens again, we’ll be better prepared. Even though all of this came at us out of nowhere and we couldn’t have predicted it, it has definitely brought wisdom to us.

The stress has been hard and I know my pregnancy emotions are a big role in my moods lately. They have not helped a slight downfall of feelings because they’re bad. I hate being probably 110% angrier then I normally would be because of the hormones.

I hate that we’re living in this situation right now, I hate that millions of others are as well. I am thankful for one thing, it has taught me a lot about myself. About who I am, what I can and cannot do. I am thankful for that. 

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Fathers Day

Happy Fathers Day!

I hope all you fathers out there had a wonderful day with your families. I want to do a quick post to honor my husband, the awesome, loving, caring father to my two almost three boys :)

I love you and they do too!

Jason and Gage 

Jason and Dane 

I can't wait to add Bishop and Jason's photo!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Midwives and Well child visits

Lets start with my midwife visit. I was 29 weeks and 4 days (image is 29 weeks. I'm now 30.) along and had to pee like nobody ever had to pee before haha. I know this is a bit TMI (too much info) but honestly, normally I forget about my appointment and go before we leave. Duh, doesn’t work very well for myself that way.  So this time I actually remembered and I had to pee so badly I bolted for the bathroom when we got to our midwives house.

So since I was in there, I did my urine test and weighed myself. With all our stress I figured I had put on weight. I know stress can cause you to lose weight but I admit, I’m a stress eater. I didn’t watch what I was eating. I managed to lose 4lbs. That is great! A big shock but actually great.

We went into our meeting and it was nice. My midwife was happy with my weight loss and we talked about all of what is going on. My BP was still very good! Surprised but a good relief. I have honestly felt I would have ended up in pre-term labor with all that was going on. My midwife even thought so and we were just both thankful I haven’t.

She then went on to check up on Bishop. His heartbeat was 142bpm He was head down and his back facing my left side. Which is good, meaning he’s in an anterior (facing my back) position and that is what we want for labor. She suggested I do knee rocks in order to open my pelvic bone and if I can manage it, to see a chiropractor again. I’m going to check into it and make sure I can get in with her again. I was at that appointment measuring 31 weeks. Which was interesting because I always measured on time. Oh well, I know it really doesn’t mean anything significantly so we’ll see. Jason feels he’ll only be a day “late” I hope so!

All is well, which is all I want. She did have a student there who is going to school to become a physician’s assistant. I am hopeful that with her witnessing natural home births it may lead her to being open minded. She seemed really nice and will be at our birth for Bishop.

Now onto Dane’s 18 month well child visit. It went really good. He again was very well behaved. He seems to be getting better at this haha. His weight was 27lbs and he is a smidge under 2’9”. His head was 18.5” round. When his doctor came in she said his weight and height did go down some but isn’t concerned. It is a normal thing for kids to fluctuate with their weights. I figure it also was because he was just recently sick and didn’t really want to eat. He would but it was very little.  He is developing just as he should for his age and that’s great. He loves helping get undressed but thinks getting dressed is a game haha. His words are growing and his favorite at the moment is No. He had his leg check up which I posted about a while ago and we discussed what happened at that appointment. So we’re hoping that the leg will fix itself and just basically waiting to go from there.

So that is my appointment update J boring I know. I have a post to do for tomorrow, well now actually today. I am going to get some sleep though, my wonderful bed is calling my name!

xx Marisa

Monday, June 14, 2010

Surprises and Sickies

So, I'm late on updating our blog and I do apologize! This post is basically about two things, a surprise and two sickies.

Life lately has been, hectic. Stressful, frustrating, unnerving, living in limbo basically. I have one absolutely wonderful friend. We go back, what, thirteen years? She's been there by my "side" through a lot of things in my life. A great friend and is just an awesome person.

With all that has been going on in our lives she has been there, to listen to me vent/cry, rant - whatever it was, she listened. I do the same for her and about 90% of the time we have the same mind on life. Anyways, she sent me a wonderful package. My mom got it at her house and brought it over to me, I loved it!

Now, we have not done anything for Bishop yet. It's been hard given the circumstances and sorry, I won't be able to go into them right now. So if you don't know, hopefully soon you'll have the full story. Anyways, we've been in a position where we could not plan out rooms and such, or even really put anything together. Bishop is going to be a summer baby and the other boys were winter babies. I saved all of their clothes and yet here we are with a summer baby haha. Jason and I were getting things out a few weeks back during all the moves and it hit us. We have nothing summer related for a baby! Well, we do, but not in the right age for the season.

She was so wonderful to send us a small package of things for the baby and even some Australian play money for the boys. Oh and I got some candy haha. Her seasons are different then ours (she lives in Australia) and so she sent us a few small newborn outfits. I adore them! Absolutely adore them. My mom loved them as well. We also got a beautiful adorable polka dotted Elephant for him.

I have some photos that I will post at the end of the entry. But Zoe, we thank you so very much for the wonderful package. You are honestly an amazing friend and one day hopefully our lives will cross and we can finally meet. Or you know, when you're in the states, drop by MI - duh! Its funny to think how far our friendship has grown in these years. Who would have thought it would have lasted this long? You truly are a wonderful friend beyond amazing. You're one of my closest friends, well, you knew that. I love you dearly! We all do <3

---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ----- -----

The sickies. Ah, my sickies. It was odd that it came out of nowhere. Last Saturday (the 5th - see, I am behind!) Dane started out fine. He was himself, playing and being trouble. We were playing outside and he was doing just fine. All of a sudden he had a dirty diaper and i went to change it. It was obviously a bad one and I put ointment on it. From there I noticed a change. I thought maybe his tush hurt and he was just being a bit sulky about it. So we cuddled outside while Gage played and Jason worked on a set of stairs for the back door.

Something was off. All of a sudden he was burning up. His head, back, tummy, under his pits and back of his knees. It was seriously too hot to the touch. I took his temp; 101.3°F. I know its not too high to be so concerning but he started showing other signs that didn't sit well with me. He all of a sudden was lethargic, breathing short and fast (if that makes sense. It was hard to describe), jittery and his heart was racing. You could feel how fast it was going. He also was making this odd noise. I sat with him for an hour inside (started at 5pm and we came in at 6pm) mentioned it to Jason and he checked him out. I told him something in me didn't feel right. Right there he told me to go to Urgent Care.

I don't normally panic over sicknesses. The last time I had a gut feeling Dane ended up being hospitalized for a week with an abscess in his neck. Then had surgery on it to drain it. So when my gut says go, we generally follow it. I'm just very thankful that this time it wasn't so serious. We were in Urgent Care and his vitals came back to his heart rate being much faster then it should be for his temp. I forgot to ask what his fever temp was. The doctor told me that what she could see what he had was viral. So a viral bug. She said for his vitals, she wanted us to stay another 20 minutes to give him Motrin and retest the vitals again then. Dane was seriously not himself. We honestly do not call him trouble for nothing. He was super snuggly and laid on the table in the room. He snuggled his blanket and actually fell asleep! That never happens with the doctors. He sat still for her exam, again, something that never happens!

They tested his vitals again 20 minutes later and his heart rate thankfully went down. His fever however didn't break. We were sent home with it being a viral bug but in the back of her mind she was not ruling out the possibility of it being the start of pneumonia. His lungs were clear and his oxygen levels were good though. But she said it could still be a possibility. If he got worse to come back. Thankfully he got better. It took about if you look at it really 3 days total to get better. We flip flopped between tylenol and motrin for him. Kept him hydrated, gave him easy foods to eat. He slept so much. On the 2nd day of it all he took a 4hr nap in his bed in our room (moved him away from Gage to avoid him catching it.. ha) and then another 3 hours on me. That was not him! He was so irritable at night too. Jason and I got no sleep during the duration he was sick but he is much better so no sleep was worth it.

Gage finally caught it. He thankfully beat it much quicker then Dane. He went down for a nap on Tuesday (unlike him) and woke up burning up. Sure enough like Dane; it struck out of nowhere! So we started the same treatment process with him and within 2 days Gage was back to himself. Thank goodness. Having sickies is no fun. I hope I can handle it when I know I will have 3 sick kidlets in a row. I'm sure I will! I am just very thankful that Jason and i escaped it. I don't know how I would have been handling it being 28 weeks at the time.

I have my 2 healthy happy boys back and I am so very thankful for that!

Here are the surprise photos + 1 belly picture from 28 weeks and 5 days :) One will be on the main page and to see the rest click "read more>>"

xx Marisa

(follow this link!)

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

A Sunday "Adventure" (image heavy.)

This has been a long weekend due to the holiday today. With all going on in our lives we wanted to get out of the house, spend time with the boys. Just the four of us. We spent a few hours in the morning trying to figure out what we could do that would be fun for all of us but didn't cost a lot of money. We came up with going to the Dunes.

Where we live is a gorgeous area of the state. However, being a tourist town prices are jacked up during summer and it can make those on a budget a bit difficult to do things there. So, we sat down and talked it out. Decided that since we're not that far from Lake Michigan, we'd head out to the Sleeping Bear Sand Dunes. Its only $10 for the park fee and its good up to 7 days. So thats a slight perk :). We packed up the boys, some drinks and snacks, bought some sunscreen (which I have been meaning to do!) and headed out.

Many years ago, in a state now called Wisconsin, lived a mother bear and her two cubs. One day, as they were in the woods gathering food, a fire broke out. All of the animals, including the mother bear and her cubs, had to leave the forest. The mother bear and her cubs swam across Lake Michigan to the state we now call Michigan. It was a very long swim. Soon, the two cubs grew very tired and fell behind their mother. When the mother bear came to the shores of Michigan, she climbed to the highest point she could find, a large hill made of sand, and waited for the cubs. She waited and waited and waited. But her cubs could not make the long journey. Instead, the Great White Spirit, who watched over all the animals, turned the cubs into two islands. The mother bear, who soon grew tired, saw her two cubs in the lake and knew that the Great White Spirit had taken care of them. She soon saw the two islands in Lake Michigan. Knowing that her cubs were safe, she soon fell fast asleep. Today, the cubs are known as North Manitou Island and South Manitou Island. Their mother, who the Great Spirit covered with sand to keep warm, now watches over her cubs from her spot atop the giant hill made of sand. We call her Sleeping Bear Sand Dune.

We left a bit later in the day, around 2:30pm I believe. It was a Sunday though and no plans to do anything early the next day anyways. Dane was a bit antsy in the car but did better going there then back. He's not a car baby. Gage, fell asleep 5 miles outside of our neighborhood! Kid was conked out.

This is where our whole "adventure" began. Mind you, we've never actually traveled this way by ourselves. We have always gone with my mom and step-dad, never paid attention to the actual route. We did a quick look up on the internet before we left. No real directions - ha, yeah, that should scream trouble right there. We kinda went out of our way haha, passed right by where we wanted to go. Both of us saw it but never really put two and two together. Yup, we're idiots. We admit it! In a way though, it was nice. Such beautiful scenery. I wish I had taken more pictures then I did but in a moving car, not quite as easy and I wasn't going to ask him to pull over. Dane was in the car and awake, that would have equaled screams haha.

We turned around and *gasp* he ASKED for directions! This is the 2nd time in my life I have ever witnessed a male asking for directions. But then again, i was sitting next to both of them in the car telling them to ask for the damn directions because we're freaking lost. This time, we felt like idiots though haha. However, what's done is done and we finally made it to our destination.

Gage was getting antsy and upset. Understandable but a whiney 4 year old can get old at times. This started to be one because of how he was whining. I was determined to make it up to him so I didn't let his mood ruin mine.

We pulled in, paid and went on our merry little way. Where we passed by our first marker. The covered Bridge. I left the little booklet outside that describes each marker .. I probably should have brought it in haha. Anyways we went through and up to the main destinations. To view the Dunes and Lake Michigan. I have been here several times and still the view of the lake is beautiful. Especially when you go on a day we did, clear skies, just all around wonderful. The first one we stopped at, a view of the Dunes was just awesome. I don't ever personally recall going there, I may have when I was younger or such. I just don't have my own recollection of it. Taking the boys there was fun. Them seeing it, more so Gage because hes at an age where he'll remember. He's been there once before, when he was only 7 months old. But now, he can enjoy it in his own little 4 year old way! Here is a picture of Gage standing in the same spot 4 years later.
It's neat to be able to take him back there. I do wish I had the old photo saved onto this laptop. I'd share it for reference. This trip also lead to it being Dane's first time there and his first time seeing and feeling sand. It was pretty neat. Gage didn't take to sand kindly the first time like Dane. It was cute trying to see Dane walk on it. All in all this trip was nice and honestly, a much needed break from our daily lives with the constant unknowns and stress. Taking the boys out, spending time with them and leaving everything else behind at home was what I believe we all needed. I took a ton of photos and wish I had remembered to bring my tripod, so no actual full family shots of us all. Sad day. I am happy we went and Gage loved playing in the sand. We think we brought half of it back with him in his pockets and shoes. So I will end this with pictures from that day. Not all of them have uploaded and I'm slightly annoyed by that but right now, I have other things in my life that are a bigger worry then a few pictures not being uploaded! I will add them once I can get them on here. 


The rest of the photos are under this "read more" link - so just click on that.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Wait, who are you again?

What happens when Summer hits? Most good shows come to an end. We have a few shows we DVR and watch and now they're all done. So what are we forced to do? Converse with each other. He's okay company most of the time, when he's not acting like a fool, trying to embarrass me or sleeping. Having a conversation can be fun at time. 

Ah, I'm only kidding. It was nice not having the T.V on and just hanging out. We sat outside after we put the boys to bed, watered the lawn and just talked. We talk, but it normally comes down to;

Him: "Little man smells rank."
Me: "Nice, I got the last one. This one's yours."
Him: "No, yours."
Me: "Um, no, like I said I got the last one."
Him: "So? You're closer!"

Then it becomes a fun little game who can get Dane to the other. Don't worry, we don't always treat our kid like this, promise! Sometimes you just don't want to do the dirty work. I normally win the fight and he'll change the as he calls it 'rank' diaper. 

Last night was nice. Sitting on the porch, talking. There was a woodpecker going at it in the woods across from our house. It became slightly annoying after awhile. We just talked about life, things going on with us and joked around. I love days like that. Where modern conveniences are left inside and all thats there is you, him and the wind.

Jason went to go move the sprinkler and I went to see what the sunset looked like. It was absolutely beautiful! One thing I love about where we live is the open field to the beautiful sky view. So of course I went in and grabbed my camera. The sky was a deep beautiful red with just a slight tint of pink. 

It was a nice night just the two of us. We sat outside for awhile after then sun had set and then eventually being bugged by the mosquitos went in. I love nights like that. Just the two of us, relaxing, talking and enjoying the peace and quiet.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

A long day traveling

Today has been a long day. We woke up early and finished prepping everything we had to take with us for the trip downstate. Mainly snacks, drinks, lunch and dinner. Dane's appointment was at 2pm but we had to be there by 1:30pm to fill out paperwork. We left ahead of schedule and it gave us extra time for lunch. We arrived a few minutes early for the appointment, answered the usual questions for the receptionist and then sat down.

Finally called back, actually maybe 10 minutes of waiting, really quick anyways. He was weighed at 28lbs and his height is 33inches. Waited for the doctor to come in and see him. This is where it got frustrating, the wait time. This one was shorter then the 2nd, but I'll get to that in a few. She came in and saw him, stretched his legs, measured between his tibia's. Had him stand, lay on his tummy and then had him walk and run. We had to use the help of the big brother to get him to walk and run where she needed him to go. She came back in to the room and started talking to Jason and I.

She gave us an idea on what is going on and wanted the other doctor to come in look at Dane. After probably 30+ minutes of waiting on him after seeing her for 5 minutes it was a bit frustrating. We understood because he was with another patient. I was more annoyed at the fact they came in to tell us we weren't forgotten about but he was finishing up with another patient and a minute later he walked in. You couldn't have come in 10 minutes before? My kids were restless, my big pregnant butt was sore and we had just had enough. The room was stuffy as well.

Im not really trying to be a complainer but by that time we were just done, haha. Poor Dane was the most, you could tell he wanted a nap but we couldn't let him fall asleep. He finally came in and started talking to us. Wanted for us to tell him why we were there and such. We told him because of his one bowed leg and how it was a concern of ours. He was very nice and understanding, very friendly as well.

He explained to us that what he has is normal. They measure between the tibia's and he like I already said is still in the normal range, just at the higher end. We were told that most kids out grow it by 24 months old. So we are supposed to go back in 6 months for a clinical check up. They did say that if he seems to be outgrowing it or fully outgrow it by/before then we can call and cancel our appointment. If it gets worse, to call sooner or stays the same to come back and they will do further x-rays. So, this is where we stand.

It is answers, not complete 100% answers but those will come in time. Its all just a matter of his leg either fixing itself on its own or getting worse, staying the same where we go back and see further from there. We were warned that if it does fix itself, which they do think it will, he will become knee knocked/knocked knee (which ever it is) before it completely is fixed. So, it is nice to be warned about that or else I probably would have come up with more worries haha.

What he has is called Left (the affected leg) leg tibial torsion. It is normal, just tibial bowing of the leg. So we're hoping he outgrows it! I couldn't imagine making the 2 hour drive again with not one, not two but three kids. Bishop will be here by his next appointment date.

I do want to do some mom bragging. I am very proud of how Gage behaved today. He was so well behaved, well mannered and just over all a good kid. We thought at first with just the nature of today he'd have some problems but he didn't. We brought my laptop so the boys could watch a movie while we were going down and then back. He ate well at lunch and really didn't complain.

Sure he had a few moments but honestly, what 4 year old isn't going too? If he didn't, I'd be wondering where my child was! I am just so happy and proud of him. He has been doing so well and today just really showed how well he's done. It wasn't an easy trip, all in one day unlike our others where we'd drive the distance and stay for a few days. It was up, into the car for 2 hours, in a doctors appointment for almost 2 hours and then straight back into the car. We stopped for lunch and potty breaks but he did so well. I'm just love him so :) oh and I love that picture! He wrote it all by himself!

That was Dane's appointment. I'm happy with the outcome and we have time to see if we will have to go back or not. Fingers crossed we don't! I am also just proud of my Monkey Man. He's getting so big.


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

A change in plans

The other day I got a call from the Orthopedic Surgeon's office that we have to visit for Dane's leg. They were calling to reschedule his appointment, at first I figured great, they'll reschedule it for later. Considering by then it was already set up for October! Thankfully not. However the reschedule is a lot sooner then I thought it would be. Like, the 25th of this month. Yeah, big change.

So, that means I have a short amount of time to get everything ready. It would be easier if the doctor was in our town but I have to drive 2 hours to see this surgeon. He used to practice where we live but moved his office 2 hours away. So its our only option to drive that far. It won't be that bad but still not ideal in my mind. However we're one step closer to getting an answer on his leg.

I tried to get a decent photo of it the other day but couldn't quite get it. Its hard when he's an energetic 17 month old. I am unsure of what will take place during the appointment, but they did say in the letter to be there a half hour early to fill out paperwork and then to expect the appointment to last as long as 2 hours. So, it will be a long day. 2 hours to get there, a half hour to fill out paper work, possibly 2 hours for an appointment then another 2 hour drive home. That'll definitely be a busy day. I need to make sure everything is prepared for the car rides both ways as well has having snacks, toys, possibly a movie some how. I have to occupy both boys. With my luck we'll get on the road when it's Dane's nap time so he would sleep the whole time. Fingers crossed.

Here are 2 pictures of his legs from 2 days ago. One is very bowed, you can tell. That's the one we're dealing with and then one adorable picture of him.


Saturday, May 8, 2010

When does it end?

When do we get a break? I've recently learned that the faith I've had seems to really be tested. I am tired of putting it in people who say they want to help you. We were working so hard to better our lives mainly for the boys and here we sit, fucked over left, right, up and down. Do we get a break? Really, ever? I don't think I am a bad person but I am really starting to wonder who the hell did I piss off in my life? What have I ever done that was so horrible, so wrong to deserve this? Or is this just our life luck? I am starting to feel we're destined to have this crap happen to us when we finally have the belief we're getting somewhere in our lives. It's just getting old. 

It's May and here we are, sitting in the same position and yet somewhat worse then the start of the year. My children are healthy and that is the biggest thing that is the most important thing to me. They are the ones that matter the most, they are the ones who need to be cared for first. I will make damn sure that is what happens. I hope that this isn't too much disruption even though I know it is.

We spoke to the big kid tonight about it all. Being up front and honest, but in a way a 4 year old could understand. He shouldn't have to be clued in on what is going on but he knows, he knows when something is wrong. He took it hard but understands that in the end, it will all be okay. We, we will all be okay. That he and his brother(s) are our first priority and we will make sure their needs are met. We want them to still be happy and love life. He started asking questions and we answered them. He is too smart for his own good. It makes me happy to know that he is. He may be goofy but the boy is smart. 

I feel like we failed. I know we didn't, we're making the right choice. But how can this make you feel? It really makes me feel like we really failed. We failed in life and we failed kids. We just need to catch a damn break. This is beginning to be too much and with the pregnancy, it is not good. Not a single bit. I am trying to relax like everyone says but it just isn't that easy. I don't sleep anymore, between either of the boys waking up from either falling out of the toddler bed (little guy is still getting the hang of it, thank you pillows!) or bad dreams from the big kid and my own thoughts/pregnancy keeping me up. Its becoming too much. I'm tired all the time, I'm becoming depressed. I need a break, we need a break. Yet no money to even just drive somewhere. 

When is enough, enough?

Thursday, May 6, 2010

When life hands you lemons

You should throw it at the people pissing you off. I feel lately that life just isn't in my favor. It's hard to explain without going into all the details and honestly, I don't want to do that. My feelings have been hit pretty hard and its just something I really don't want to deal with, but unfortunately I have too. We have to. Our marriage is just fine so its nothing to do with that. Honestly, it couldn't be any better because of how trying this is, how difficult, we're in it together.

Stress isn't good for pregnant women, then again I don't feel its good for any person. Why am I being handed it left and right along with any uncertainty? I don't get it, we have done everything we have been asked to do yet it seems to be falling back on us as if it is all our faults. It's not. I am not a bad person, neither of us are. We've done stupid things in our lives but we're in a place in our minds and hearts now that, who we were isn't who we are now. We're completely different and I don't get it. I don't get why we work so hard to better our lives and it seems to be teetering on the edge at all times.

Its just hard to sit back and not be able to do anything about it. It's no longer in our hands. Our fate is resting in someone else's hands and if all goes wrong, we're honestly just.. screwed. It breaks my heart because Jason has fought so hard to get us here, he busted his ass. To ensure we were taken care of, to make sure the boys were given a bright future. I feel like we're failing them. As a parent that is probably one of the worst feelings in the world.

We're trying to keep our heads up but neither of us can really take getting knocked down again. Hopefully soon we'll have final answers and then can move forwards with our lives. I love my family dearly and just want us all to be okay, happy and healthy.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

20.5 weeks, where has time gone?

I can't believe we're half way through already. It still seems as if it were yesterday when I got the most faint line I have ever had before. This is the fastest pregnancy of mine yet. It just doesn't seem to be slowing down either! My other two pregnancies they'd start out pretty fast but normally when I hit 12 weeks it stopped and then just dragged. all. the. way. to. my. due. date. Then, after that, i went over so of course that made the whole waiting impatiently thing worse haha.

I had my midwife appointment yesterday and all looks well. I lost weight (a good thing) and his heartrate was 142bpm. I love hearing his heart beat, it makes everything worth while. His movements are so much more noticeable now and I love it. Always one of my favorite things about pregnancy. Speaking of, he is doing it now! We're going along just as we should and will start looking into purchasing our birth kit and when we move, start prepping everything else we will need for our home birth.

I am so excited to have another little baby. I really cannot wait to meet Bishop now. From how this pregnancy started, all those feelings and emotions are gone. I am looking forward so much to having him here, having my 3 boys and loving them all.

The baby center update on where we are at 20 weeks..

How your baby's growing:

Your baby weighs about 10 1/2 ounces now. He's also around 6 1/2 inches long from head to bottom and about 10 inches from head to heel — the length of a banana. (For the first 20 weeks, when a baby's legs are curled up against his torso and hard to measure, measurementsare taken from the top of his head to his bottom — the "crown to rump" measurement. After 20 weeks, he's measured from head to toe.)

He's swallowing more these days, which is good practice for his digestive system. He's also producing meconium, a black, sticky by-product of digestion. This gooey substance will accumulate in his bowels, and you'll see it in his first soiled diaper (some babies pass meconium in the womb or during delivery).

See what your baby looks like this week. (Or see what fraternal twins look like in the womb this week.)