Thursday, May 27, 2010

Wait, who are you again?

What happens when Summer hits? Most good shows come to an end. We have a few shows we DVR and watch and now they're all done. So what are we forced to do? Converse with each other. He's okay company most of the time, when he's not acting like a fool, trying to embarrass me or sleeping. Having a conversation can be fun at time. 

Ah, I'm only kidding. It was nice not having the T.V on and just hanging out. We sat outside after we put the boys to bed, watered the lawn and just talked. We talk, but it normally comes down to;

Him: "Little man smells rank."
Me: "Nice, I got the last one. This one's yours."
Him: "No, yours."
Me: "Um, no, like I said I got the last one."
Him: "So? You're closer!"

Then it becomes a fun little game who can get Dane to the other. Don't worry, we don't always treat our kid like this, promise! Sometimes you just don't want to do the dirty work. I normally win the fight and he'll change the as he calls it 'rank' diaper. 

Last night was nice. Sitting on the porch, talking. There was a woodpecker going at it in the woods across from our house. It became slightly annoying after awhile. We just talked about life, things going on with us and joked around. I love days like that. Where modern conveniences are left inside and all thats there is you, him and the wind.

Jason went to go move the sprinkler and I went to see what the sunset looked like. It was absolutely beautiful! One thing I love about where we live is the open field to the beautiful sky view. So of course I went in and grabbed my camera. The sky was a deep beautiful red with just a slight tint of pink. 

It was a nice night just the two of us. We sat outside for awhile after then sun had set and then eventually being bugged by the mosquitos went in. I love nights like that. Just the two of us, relaxing, talking and enjoying the peace and quiet.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

A long day traveling

Today has been a long day. We woke up early and finished prepping everything we had to take with us for the trip downstate. Mainly snacks, drinks, lunch and dinner. Dane's appointment was at 2pm but we had to be there by 1:30pm to fill out paperwork. We left ahead of schedule and it gave us extra time for lunch. We arrived a few minutes early for the appointment, answered the usual questions for the receptionist and then sat down.

Finally called back, actually maybe 10 minutes of waiting, really quick anyways. He was weighed at 28lbs and his height is 33inches. Waited for the doctor to come in and see him. This is where it got frustrating, the wait time. This one was shorter then the 2nd, but I'll get to that in a few. She came in and saw him, stretched his legs, measured between his tibia's. Had him stand, lay on his tummy and then had him walk and run. We had to use the help of the big brother to get him to walk and run where she needed him to go. She came back in to the room and started talking to Jason and I.

She gave us an idea on what is going on and wanted the other doctor to come in look at Dane. After probably 30+ minutes of waiting on him after seeing her for 5 minutes it was a bit frustrating. We understood because he was with another patient. I was more annoyed at the fact they came in to tell us we weren't forgotten about but he was finishing up with another patient and a minute later he walked in. You couldn't have come in 10 minutes before? My kids were restless, my big pregnant butt was sore and we had just had enough. The room was stuffy as well.

Im not really trying to be a complainer but by that time we were just done, haha. Poor Dane was the most, you could tell he wanted a nap but we couldn't let him fall asleep. He finally came in and started talking to us. Wanted for us to tell him why we were there and such. We told him because of his one bowed leg and how it was a concern of ours. He was very nice and understanding, very friendly as well.

He explained to us that what he has is normal. They measure between the tibia's and he like I already said is still in the normal range, just at the higher end. We were told that most kids out grow it by 24 months old. So we are supposed to go back in 6 months for a clinical check up. They did say that if he seems to be outgrowing it or fully outgrow it by/before then we can call and cancel our appointment. If it gets worse, to call sooner or stays the same to come back and they will do further x-rays. So, this is where we stand.

It is answers, not complete 100% answers but those will come in time. Its all just a matter of his leg either fixing itself on its own or getting worse, staying the same where we go back and see further from there. We were warned that if it does fix itself, which they do think it will, he will become knee knocked/knocked knee (which ever it is) before it completely is fixed. So, it is nice to be warned about that or else I probably would have come up with more worries haha.

What he has is called Left (the affected leg) leg tibial torsion. It is normal, just tibial bowing of the leg. So we're hoping he outgrows it! I couldn't imagine making the 2 hour drive again with not one, not two but three kids. Bishop will be here by his next appointment date.

I do want to do some mom bragging. I am very proud of how Gage behaved today. He was so well behaved, well mannered and just over all a good kid. We thought at first with just the nature of today he'd have some problems but he didn't. We brought my laptop so the boys could watch a movie while we were going down and then back. He ate well at lunch and really didn't complain.

Sure he had a few moments but honestly, what 4 year old isn't going too? If he didn't, I'd be wondering where my child was! I am just so happy and proud of him. He has been doing so well and today just really showed how well he's done. It wasn't an easy trip, all in one day unlike our others where we'd drive the distance and stay for a few days. It was up, into the car for 2 hours, in a doctors appointment for almost 2 hours and then straight back into the car. We stopped for lunch and potty breaks but he did so well. I'm just love him so :) oh and I love that picture! He wrote it all by himself!

That was Dane's appointment. I'm happy with the outcome and we have time to see if we will have to go back or not. Fingers crossed we don't! I am also just proud of my Monkey Man. He's getting so big.


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

A change in plans

The other day I got a call from the Orthopedic Surgeon's office that we have to visit for Dane's leg. They were calling to reschedule his appointment, at first I figured great, they'll reschedule it for later. Considering by then it was already set up for October! Thankfully not. However the reschedule is a lot sooner then I thought it would be. Like, the 25th of this month. Yeah, big change.

So, that means I have a short amount of time to get everything ready. It would be easier if the doctor was in our town but I have to drive 2 hours to see this surgeon. He used to practice where we live but moved his office 2 hours away. So its our only option to drive that far. It won't be that bad but still not ideal in my mind. However we're one step closer to getting an answer on his leg.

I tried to get a decent photo of it the other day but couldn't quite get it. Its hard when he's an energetic 17 month old. I am unsure of what will take place during the appointment, but they did say in the letter to be there a half hour early to fill out paperwork and then to expect the appointment to last as long as 2 hours. So, it will be a long day. 2 hours to get there, a half hour to fill out paper work, possibly 2 hours for an appointment then another 2 hour drive home. That'll definitely be a busy day. I need to make sure everything is prepared for the car rides both ways as well has having snacks, toys, possibly a movie some how. I have to occupy both boys. With my luck we'll get on the road when it's Dane's nap time so he would sleep the whole time. Fingers crossed.

Here are 2 pictures of his legs from 2 days ago. One is very bowed, you can tell. That's the one we're dealing with and then one adorable picture of him.


Saturday, May 8, 2010

When does it end?

When do we get a break? I've recently learned that the faith I've had seems to really be tested. I am tired of putting it in people who say they want to help you. We were working so hard to better our lives mainly for the boys and here we sit, fucked over left, right, up and down. Do we get a break? Really, ever? I don't think I am a bad person but I am really starting to wonder who the hell did I piss off in my life? What have I ever done that was so horrible, so wrong to deserve this? Or is this just our life luck? I am starting to feel we're destined to have this crap happen to us when we finally have the belief we're getting somewhere in our lives. It's just getting old. 

It's May and here we are, sitting in the same position and yet somewhat worse then the start of the year. My children are healthy and that is the biggest thing that is the most important thing to me. They are the ones that matter the most, they are the ones who need to be cared for first. I will make damn sure that is what happens. I hope that this isn't too much disruption even though I know it is.

We spoke to the big kid tonight about it all. Being up front and honest, but in a way a 4 year old could understand. He shouldn't have to be clued in on what is going on but he knows, he knows when something is wrong. He took it hard but understands that in the end, it will all be okay. We, we will all be okay. That he and his brother(s) are our first priority and we will make sure their needs are met. We want them to still be happy and love life. He started asking questions and we answered them. He is too smart for his own good. It makes me happy to know that he is. He may be goofy but the boy is smart. 

I feel like we failed. I know we didn't, we're making the right choice. But how can this make you feel? It really makes me feel like we really failed. We failed in life and we failed kids. We just need to catch a damn break. This is beginning to be too much and with the pregnancy, it is not good. Not a single bit. I am trying to relax like everyone says but it just isn't that easy. I don't sleep anymore, between either of the boys waking up from either falling out of the toddler bed (little guy is still getting the hang of it, thank you pillows!) or bad dreams from the big kid and my own thoughts/pregnancy keeping me up. Its becoming too much. I'm tired all the time, I'm becoming depressed. I need a break, we need a break. Yet no money to even just drive somewhere. 

When is enough, enough?

Thursday, May 6, 2010

When life hands you lemons

You should throw it at the people pissing you off. I feel lately that life just isn't in my favor. It's hard to explain without going into all the details and honestly, I don't want to do that. My feelings have been hit pretty hard and its just something I really don't want to deal with, but unfortunately I have too. We have to. Our marriage is just fine so its nothing to do with that. Honestly, it couldn't be any better because of how trying this is, how difficult, we're in it together.

Stress isn't good for pregnant women, then again I don't feel its good for any person. Why am I being handed it left and right along with any uncertainty? I don't get it, we have done everything we have been asked to do yet it seems to be falling back on us as if it is all our faults. It's not. I am not a bad person, neither of us are. We've done stupid things in our lives but we're in a place in our minds and hearts now that, who we were isn't who we are now. We're completely different and I don't get it. I don't get why we work so hard to better our lives and it seems to be teetering on the edge at all times.

Its just hard to sit back and not be able to do anything about it. It's no longer in our hands. Our fate is resting in someone else's hands and if all goes wrong, we're honestly just.. screwed. It breaks my heart because Jason has fought so hard to get us here, he busted his ass. To ensure we were taken care of, to make sure the boys were given a bright future. I feel like we're failing them. As a parent that is probably one of the worst feelings in the world.

We're trying to keep our heads up but neither of us can really take getting knocked down again. Hopefully soon we'll have final answers and then can move forwards with our lives. I love my family dearly and just want us all to be okay, happy and healthy.