Saturday, May 8, 2010

When does it end?

When do we get a break? I've recently learned that the faith I've had seems to really be tested. I am tired of putting it in people who say they want to help you. We were working so hard to better our lives mainly for the boys and here we sit, fucked over left, right, up and down. Do we get a break? Really, ever? I don't think I am a bad person but I am really starting to wonder who the hell did I piss off in my life? What have I ever done that was so horrible, so wrong to deserve this? Or is this just our life luck? I am starting to feel we're destined to have this crap happen to us when we finally have the belief we're getting somewhere in our lives. It's just getting old. 

It's May and here we are, sitting in the same position and yet somewhat worse then the start of the year. My children are healthy and that is the biggest thing that is the most important thing to me. They are the ones that matter the most, they are the ones who need to be cared for first. I will make damn sure that is what happens. I hope that this isn't too much disruption even though I know it is.

We spoke to the big kid tonight about it all. Being up front and honest, but in a way a 4 year old could understand. He shouldn't have to be clued in on what is going on but he knows, he knows when something is wrong. He took it hard but understands that in the end, it will all be okay. We, we will all be okay. That he and his brother(s) are our first priority and we will make sure their needs are met. We want them to still be happy and love life. He started asking questions and we answered them. He is too smart for his own good. It makes me happy to know that he is. He may be goofy but the boy is smart. 

I feel like we failed. I know we didn't, we're making the right choice. But how can this make you feel? It really makes me feel like we really failed. We failed in life and we failed kids. We just need to catch a damn break. This is beginning to be too much and with the pregnancy, it is not good. Not a single bit. I am trying to relax like everyone says but it just isn't that easy. I don't sleep anymore, between either of the boys waking up from either falling out of the toddler bed (little guy is still getting the hang of it, thank you pillows!) or bad dreams from the big kid and my own thoughts/pregnancy keeping me up. Its becoming too much. I'm tired all the time, I'm becoming depressed. I need a break, we need a break. Yet no money to even just drive somewhere. 

When is enough, enough?


  1. Marisa, I wish I was there to just sit and listen. You will make it through this. I would love to talk to you more...we have just been through a very hard time. Feel free to email me for my number.

  2. I have been thinking about you guys a lot recently. I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this stuff! :( I'm sure everything will turn out alright in the end but it's hard to think that when you're actually going through it! *big big hugs* Please don't hesitate to send me an email or message on Facebook about anything - I will be glad to listen!