The Killer of Computers

Yup, that's me. Or honestly it feels like it. A couple months ago I killed my poor poor Mac. Total accident but definitely my fault. Then last night while just innocently using our Dell laptop the screen went blank. I figured shut it down for a few and try turning it on about an hour later. Tried, didn't happen. Gave it another out, same outcome. Crap.

So yeah 2 dead laptops however the Dell was NOT my fault! I was using it and Jason even said it's happened to him before. But after it happened to him it would turn on again.

We cannot afford for this to happen to us. We have an old compaq that works when it wants to so it's not a reliable computer. If the Dell is fried we are screwed. We're going to have to see what we can do to get a new computer. Jason was planning on taking online classes and I wanted to look into doing medical billing classes. Can't do those on a computer that might not work that day.

Not quite sure what we're going to do if it's fried. We need a reliable computer.

I feel like when I introduce myself to people now I need to change it up. "Hi, I'm Marisa! Killer of computers.."

I think I can..

I have set a goal for myself and darn it, I'm going to do it. Well, technically 2 goals. I'm going to give myself two challenges to complete during the month of June. I am going to work hard on making sure that I meet each challenge fully and make sure they are marked down.

My first Challenge/goal is to post in my blog once a day, every day for the whole month of June. Hopefully this will create a good habit to continue instead of posting 4 times a month. What fun is that? I have more to say but never really do. So I am challenging myself after seeing a friend do it. She was successful so I hope that I am as well.

My 2nd Challenge/Goal is to take one non-auto photograph every single day for the month of June and post it to my photography blog. I haven't used my camera much as of late and I need to do this. I need to get back into it.

So I hope you'll join me in my journey and keep me on track if you think I'm falling off.

An update to the D-Man

I waited until Jason got up for the day to discuss what would be done. He watched him and agreed that it wasn't right. He wasn't putting any weight on it at all. He would get around by sliding around on the floor or doing this crab like crawl. Definitely favored that leg. My mom brought Gage home from spending the night and we asked what she thought. We all agreed to take him to the ER. It just didn't feel or seem right. We don't know how he hurt himself but not standing or putting any weight on it wasn't right. Especially with it coming on so fast.

So, we devised the plan on who was going where and with who. Since Jason works tonight we had to make sure just in case (our ER is notorious for leaving you there hours on end) that he had a car to get to work with. So he dropped my step-dad off at home, kept their truck with Gage's car seat in it. My mom and I then took off to the ER with Bishop and Dane. I went armed this time with diapers, coloring stuff and toys.

Surprisingly it didn't take forever to get back into the room. Met with the Dr and the nurse, they told us what they were going to do first. Another set of x-rays but this time unlike urgent care they were going to do from foot to hip. We went back for those, they came back clear. The Dr still wanted to make sure there was nothing more going on, so they ordered blood tests and an ultrasound on his hip, just to make sure there was no fluid built up. They drew the blood and then we went back for his ultrasound. There was no fluid in his hip, which is good. Came back to the room, the blood tests came back clear. Great! They drew another vile for 2 more tests that would take a bit longer to get the results for. That wasn't fun.

So, with the x-rays clear, the ultrasound clear, the blood work clear (minus knowing the other two results) everything checked out fine. But we still don't know why a perfectly healthy 2 year old would just suddenly stop putting weight on one leg. So, we are to call the Orthopedic office on Monday and set up an appointment with them for a follow up. They have ruled out anything broken and checked for infections, nothing of those kinds. Its quite possible its a muscle inflammation. So they gave him a shot of and please forgive me if I get the name wrong, I believe it was Trodal? Something similar to that name. It is supposed to help with the pain and inflammation.

So this is where we stand. We have ruled out anything that could be very serious, infections, abscess or broken bones so far. We will hopefully find out more when we meet for the follow up at the Orthopedics office. It's very scary to not quite know what is going on with your child. More so when this child has gone from perfectly healthy to suddenly ill so fast before. I feel more protective over him because of what has previously happened to him. But thankfully no abscesses or anything serious that kept him hospitalized. I feel much more comfortable with the ER visit then I did the urgent care. They ran tests I wanted them to run, everything came back fine.

So hopefully we get the whole 100% okay when we see the Ortho and just find out that he has an inflamed muscle. He was feeling a bit better when we got home but he ate dinner and went to bed. Poor kidlet has had enough.

Glad I decided to go and make sure that it was nothing more serious.

Laying it all out for everyone to see..

Lately things have been building up and for once I'm just going to lay it all out there. How it's going to be received or honestly, even read is another story. I don't want pity or anything I just need to finally do this, I am not looking for any sort of pity though. Please don't pity me.

I honestly don't know who I am anymore. It has been building for a long time and it seems to finally hit the nail on the coffin. Who am I? I know the basics, 25, married and mom of 3. Beyond that, what else do I have to offer? Nothing. I have lost my voice, my thoughts, my feelings. I've become entombed into this whole situation that I'm falling apart and I don't think anyone sees it. Or if they do they've never out right said anything.

I'm lost. I'm physically here, I go about daily life but I don't think anything ever feels accomplished. I'm 25 and feel like I have done nothing significant in my life aside from having 3 beautiful boys. I can't do much more due to restrictions with money. I am losing me and I hate this. Yes, all signs of my feelings point to depression, I'm well aware of this. I've suffered previously after having a baby and before then as a teenager. I am looking into help but nothing ever comes easy. I hate getting up in the morning. I don't want to do anything during the day. It shows, we suffer, my boys suffer. They aren't getting me 100% and that's not fair nor right. I'm here, I meet all their basic needs but I can do better. I know I can. I try but I fall flat on my face. I shouldn't have to push myself to play with my children. I can do better. I know I'm able to and I know its in there wanting to, I just have to finally see a dr about it. I can't do it on my own this time. I did after having D, but this time with how stressful my pregnancy was (not the pregnancy itself, just life) and how stress has still been around afterwards, I can't.

Bringing it up to someone to just talk about isn't going to happen. I don't want to be a debbie downer. I'm drawing myself in even more and this can't go on. This expression on my face is as empty as I feel.

In all honesty, my boys are my greatest accomplishments in life.. I'm not doing my best and I see this. I am going to change this. Today.

Aside from all that I just want to feel like I can do something else. In my last post I wanted to start a hobby. Possibly become good at it and I have yet to do so. I've started it but become so easily frustrated with it that I have to back away. It's so annoying to me. I just wish I had that personality that could do something publicly. Where I could be successful on my own. I don't. I'm too shy, even on here. I'm actually shocked I have the guts to write this but we'll see if I hit publish. Knowing me I'll start writing and then just stop or finish it and let it sit in a draft for who knows how long. I'm jealous of those who can do what I want. I'm happy for them but yes, I am jealous. My shyness holds me back so much. Which I think also plays into depression.

I'm also dealing with bad Anxiety. I've never really dealt with it before but this is getting me down big time. I'm so anxious about phone calls, who's calling me. I'm anxious about the mail, I dread getting it because it's going to be something bad. I know these can be normal but its so heightened I would rather ignore the mail then get it. But then it makes me anxious that I am not dealing with what is possibly in there.

Constant fear that something is going to go wrong, that I'm going to lose one of my boys. I hate the car, absolutely hate it now. I've always been a bit nervous when in the car because I have no control over other drivers but this is getting bad. I am afraid I'm going to die every. single. time. I get into a car. It shouldn't be like that.  Not able to fall asleep at night because my brain won't shut off, my mind constantly racing. I can't keep going on like this. We are all suffering because of this.

I'm not happy, I'm lost. I'm feeling like a failure in so many ways. I just had to get this out there.. With hitting publish post it will be for whoever reads it to see. I'm going to make my call when I hit publish, I'm going to finally be able to get the help I've been trying to for the past few months. Hopefully it'll come sooner but I'm trying.

If you read this all, thank you. Please don't judge me or look down on me. I am only human.