I think I can..

I have set a goal for myself and darn it, I'm going to do it. Well, technically 2 goals. I'm going to give myself two challenges to complete during the month of June. I am going to work hard on making sure that I meet each challenge fully and make sure they are marked down.

My first Challenge/goal is to post in my blog once a day, every day for the whole month of June. Hopefully this will create a good habit to continue instead of posting 4 times a month. What fun is that? I have more to say but never really do. So I am challenging myself after seeing a friend do it. She was successful so I hope that I am as well.

My 2nd Challenge/Goal is to take one non-auto photograph every single day for the month of June and post it to my photography blog. I haven't used my camera much as of late and I need to do this. I need to get back into it.

So I hope you'll join me in my journey and keep me on track if you think I'm falling off.

An update to the D-Man

I waited until Jason got up for the day to discuss what would be done. He watched him and agreed that it wasn't right. He wasn't putting any weight on it at all. He would get around by sliding around on the floor or doing this crab like crawl. Definitely favored that leg. My mom brought Gage home from spending the night and we asked what she thought. We all agreed to take him to the ER. It just didn't feel or seem right. We don't know how he hurt himself but not standing or putting any weight on it wasn't right. Especially with it coming on so fast.

So, we devised the plan on who was going where and with who. Since Jason works tonight we had to make sure just in case (our ER is notorious for leaving you there hours on end) that he had a car to get to work with. So he dropped my step-dad off at home, kept their truck with Gage's car seat in it. My mom and I then took off to the ER with Bishop and Dane. I went armed this time with diapers, coloring stuff and toys.

Surprisingly it didn't take forever to get back into the room. Met with the Dr and the nurse, they told us what they were going to do first. Another set of x-rays but this time unlike urgent care they were going to do from foot to hip. We went back for those, they came back clear. The Dr still wanted to make sure there was nothing more going on, so they ordered blood tests and an ultrasound on his hip, just to make sure there was no fluid built up. They drew the blood and then we went back for his ultrasound. There was no fluid in his hip, which is good. Came back to the room, the blood tests came back clear. Great! They drew another vile for 2 more tests that would take a bit longer to get the results for. That wasn't fun.

So, with the x-rays clear, the ultrasound clear, the blood work clear (minus knowing the other two results) everything checked out fine. But we still don't know why a perfectly healthy 2 year old would just suddenly stop putting weight on one leg. So, we are to call the Orthopedic office on Monday and set up an appointment with them for a follow up. They have ruled out anything broken and checked for infections, nothing of those kinds. Its quite possible its a muscle inflammation. So they gave him a shot of and please forgive me if I get the name wrong, I believe it was Trodal? Something similar to that name. It is supposed to help with the pain and inflammation.

So this is where we stand. We have ruled out anything that could be very serious, infections, abscess or broken bones so far. We will hopefully find out more when we meet for the follow up at the Orthopedics office. It's very scary to not quite know what is going on with your child. More so when this child has gone from perfectly healthy to suddenly ill so fast before. I feel more protective over him because of what has previously happened to him. But thankfully no abscesses or anything serious that kept him hospitalized. I feel much more comfortable with the ER visit then I did the urgent care. They ran tests I wanted them to run, everything came back fine.

So hopefully we get the whole 100% okay when we see the Ortho and just find out that he has an inflamed muscle. He was feeling a bit better when we got home but he ate dinner and went to bed. Poor kidlet has had enough.

Glad I decided to go and make sure that it was nothing more serious.

Laying it all out for everyone to see..

Lately things have been building up and for once I'm just going to lay it all out there. How it's going to be received or honestly, even read is another story. I don't want pity or anything I just need to finally do this, I am not looking for any sort of pity though. Please don't pity me.

I honestly don't know who I am anymore. It has been building for a long time and it seems to finally hit the nail on the coffin. Who am I? I know the basics, 25, married and mom of 3. Beyond that, what else do I have to offer? Nothing. I have lost my voice, my thoughts, my feelings. I've become entombed into this whole situation that I'm falling apart and I don't think anyone sees it. Or if they do they've never out right said anything.

I'm lost. I'm physically here, I go about daily life but I don't think anything ever feels accomplished. I'm 25 and feel like I have done nothing significant in my life aside from having 3 beautiful boys. I can't do much more due to restrictions with money. I am losing me and I hate this. Yes, all signs of my feelings point to depression, I'm well aware of this. I've suffered previously after having a baby and before then as a teenager. I am looking into help but nothing ever comes easy. I hate getting up in the morning. I don't want to do anything during the day. It shows, we suffer, my boys suffer. They aren't getting me 100% and that's not fair nor right. I'm here, I meet all their basic needs but I can do better. I know I can. I try but I fall flat on my face. I shouldn't have to push myself to play with my children. I can do better. I know I'm able to and I know its in there wanting to, I just have to finally see a dr about it. I can't do it on my own this time. I did after having D, but this time with how stressful my pregnancy was (not the pregnancy itself, just life) and how stress has still been around afterwards, I can't.

Bringing it up to someone to just talk about isn't going to happen. I don't want to be a debbie downer. I'm drawing myself in even more and this can't go on. This expression on my face is as empty as I feel.

In all honesty, my boys are my greatest accomplishments in life.. I'm not doing my best and I see this. I am going to change this. Today.

Aside from all that I just want to feel like I can do something else. In my last post I wanted to start a hobby. Possibly become good at it and I have yet to do so. I've started it but become so easily frustrated with it that I have to back away. It's so annoying to me. I just wish I had that personality that could do something publicly. Where I could be successful on my own. I don't. I'm too shy, even on here. I'm actually shocked I have the guts to write this but we'll see if I hit publish. Knowing me I'll start writing and then just stop or finish it and let it sit in a draft for who knows how long. I'm jealous of those who can do what I want. I'm happy for them but yes, I am jealous. My shyness holds me back so much. Which I think also plays into depression.

I'm also dealing with bad Anxiety. I've never really dealt with it before but this is getting me down big time. I'm so anxious about phone calls, who's calling me. I'm anxious about the mail, I dread getting it because it's going to be something bad. I know these can be normal but its so heightened I would rather ignore the mail then get it. But then it makes me anxious that I am not dealing with what is possibly in there.

Constant fear that something is going to go wrong, that I'm going to lose one of my boys. I hate the car, absolutely hate it now. I've always been a bit nervous when in the car because I have no control over other drivers but this is getting bad. I am afraid I'm going to die every. single. time. I get into a car. It shouldn't be like that.  Not able to fall asleep at night because my brain won't shut off, my mind constantly racing. I can't keep going on like this. We are all suffering because of this.

I'm not happy, I'm lost. I'm feeling like a failure in so many ways. I just had to get this out there.. With hitting publish post it will be for whoever reads it to see. I'm going to make my call when I hit publish, I'm going to finally be able to get the help I've been trying to for the past few months. Hopefully it'll come sooner but I'm trying.

If you read this all, thank you. Please don't judge me or look down on me. I am only human.

I need an official hobby

I am tired of having many things I like but nothing as an official hobby. So I've decided to learn how to crochet again. Jason taught me years ago but I never really stuck with it. Kids got in the way at the time and I just lost track. But I really want to do more with it. Since we cloth diapers I want to make pants for the boys and such, hell even if we didn't I'd still want to! I just want to have something to show for something I have been interested in. So I've been reading up tonight, relearning. Having some nice time tonight by myself. Slightly bored but I get fidgety at night by myself, mainly because my mind can race and it sucks. He's at work so that makes it harder.

I love sewing but since we moved in I haven't had a set place to be able to set everything up. We finally do even though it's not an ideal area it'll definitely do. I can set both my sewing machine and serger up and still have the space to cut fabric. I will be making my own cloth wipes and then possibly figuring out how to make my own wetbag. I just want to price out the cost of PUL. I have been itching to become more self efficient for us in certain areas and I've decided to say eff it, here I go. So here I go!

I just feel like I need to do this, I want to most definitely but I need to. Odd, I know. However let's hope I can come out with some good crocheted items haha.

Some Changes

Life has been pretty busy, that and just feeling like I have too much to say without actually wanting to say it. Figures.

Anyways, I want a new look so I'll have some tme during the day and a few hours at night when Jason goes to work and the boys are in bed to work on it. Hopefully tomorrow I'll actually have something up.

Struggling to continue

Today hasn't been a good day for me. Everything else is fine but my mind has been pretty cruel. I am constantly thinking about my failure. I'm not looking for pity and I know people will tell me I didn't fail. It however feels like it's my fault. Like I could have done something different. I am not sure how but it feels like it. I just don't get it. I don't feel like it's fair.

I fought hard to breastfeed, to make sure we kept going and I can't tell you the numerous times I wanted to just give up. Say fuck it and go on but I didn't. I carried through and here I am. Why can't I do what my body was created to do? Why can't I give it the 100%? It makes me just want to give up on it all together. I'm not but I have my moments of "Why bother?" It's hard to be happier for those who can do it no problem, who are successful at it. It's great, don't get me wrong  but right now when I'm feeling like this yeah, it's hard.

Tomorrow is another day, I know I'll feel better. Today has just hit hard because he fights to nurse at times. Those fights cause me to feel more like a failure. The SNS isn't helping with him I have to duct tape the thing to me in order to be 100% successful. He's grabby and gets pissed if he isn't getting it all. Wrestling him to nurse is just tiring at times. We're trying, I'm trying. Sometimes it's just tempting to stop. He's 6 1/2 months which is awesome.

Just definitely one of those days where I feel like it's too much now. The fighting to get him to latch even though it's obvious he wants to nurse. The laziness on his part, the ripping of the SNS. It's becoming too much and I hope after getting a good nights sleep that everything will feel better. I will push forward as long as I can. My heart is in it, I want to make it to my next goal of 9 months. Even if it isn't exclusive, it's still something. Just days like today where I want to throw in the towel and call it quits.

I'll keep pushing forward, fighting off the feelings the whole way.

Six months old

Six months old, or really six and a half months old now. I can't believe it. It doesn't feel like time has gone by as quick as it has. He's six months old! So close to seven, then it'll follow eight, nine then we're at one. I love watching him grow, how he adores his two older brothers. His watching their every move, laughing at them, he's such a happy baby.

Mastering sitting up finally, however still hates to be on his tummy. He'll roll over and this might be a good thing in my favor. It'll prolong crawling haha. I know in time it's getting closer and I want to keep him at a slow pace. The other two were crawling too soon for my liking followed by quickly walking. Take your time baby boy!

His smiles, laughs, snuggles are so worth everything. Jason and I constantly tell him that he is the best surprise we've ever had. He was a total and complete surprise and here we are totally in love with him. His brothers adore him and it's so cute watching Dane try to soothe him when baby cries or Gage make him laugh uncontrollably. They're so good with him, so sweet to him.  He's our Bishop and we all love him. Happy 6 and a half months baby boy!