Learning to Cope

The last few weeks have been a lot for me. We finally hit our 6 month goal of breast feeding but it didn't come without some issues. First, I can't believe my baby boy is 6 months old, however we'll leave that for another post. This, this is not what I thought I would be going through. I thought all was fine but after much research and talking to our family Dr. things point to my being able to exclusively breastfeed slim to none.

Now finding all this out makes everything between both nursing relationships much more clear. With the oldest I only nursed for 6 weeks when I saw our Dr for my check up and discussed my post-partum depression. He then put me on medication saying it wasn't safe for breastfeeding. I blindly followed him and we ended it right there. During my 2nd pregnancy I then figured out I could have continued the medication and nursing. I was angry but had myself to partly blame.

See, when I became pregnant the first time I honestly didn't want to breastfeed. I was 19 and at that time in my life the idea was gross. During my pregnancy I slowly changed my mind. I didn't do any research, I just wanted to give it a try. I'm glad I did even if it wasn't much time at all. One day is better then none.

So when I found out I was pregnant with our 2nd I decided to try for it. I wanted to do things differently this time. I am proud to say I did. Instead of giving in to a repeat c-section I fought for my VBAC and had a successful one. Which helped me bond quicker and able to establish our nursing relationship.

Unfortunately we ran into problems. He was born at 7.14 and by 3 months old just barely weighed 9lbs. No matter what I did my supply didn't increase so I had to let go of my dreams to exclusively breastfeed and supplement him to help gain weight. It was a hard thing to get over but an easy choice to make. I wasn't going to continue to let my son starve in a way and honestly he was. A lot of his signs and issues pointed to it and they started showing with Bishop.

Now when you have your heart set on something so much like I did, failure is the worst thing. I mean I can admit defeat in areas but this was something I wanted to accomplish. This was something I wanted to prove. I proved my body wasn't broken by birthing 2 boys VBAC but for some reason my body can't get with itself to be able to nurse.

After talking to a friend who's helped me with my past struggles in nursing she brought up Insufficient Glandular Tissue. I then sat reading the rest of the night on the subject and a lot of the next day. It sadly fit me perfectly. Then it just made sense and I was pretty sure I had my source as to why I can't seem to nurse sufficiently. I have tried everything under the sun just thinking I had a low supply but everything I did to up it, didn't help. His nursing lengths, his frustration at the breast, horrible sleeping. We tried passing it off as other things but everything slowly added up.

So, at his 6 month appointment after doing my research and everything adding up I brought up the IGT to our Family Dr. We honestly talked about it for almost an hour, we compared Dane to Bishop's growths. While Bishop has done better the similarities in everything else are there. During my reading on IGT you can produce more milk per subsequent baby, I seem to do so but I don't seem to still produce enough to be 100% exclusive. I hope that when we decide to have our next baby (a few years down the road) that I can successfully only nurse but in my mind, I am prepared for the just in case. She agreed that after our discussion and everything laid out that it is pretty much IGT. Short of having an actual diagnosis which I am going to go with the Dr's word. Everything just matches up.

We are now supplementing with both formula and donor milk. I am waiting on my SNS so I can nurse and supplement at the same time instead of nursing and then using a bottle. I am okay with this, it has taken the struggles with my feelings after Dane to now to finally realize that I have done my best. I have gone above what most would do to make sure he still gets breastmilk. I am trying my hardest. Without my support system of my wonderful husband and great friends I probably would have given up long ago. But now that we have a pretty much for sure idea of what it is, I can be prepared next time. I will have the SNS to start with and hopefully my supply will be there.

If not, that is okay. If not, I won't cry. I have done enough crying, I have mourned the loss of what I wanted and am now working towards being okay. I will be fine. I have had my moments of anger with my body but I cannot change how it is. I can only learn to live with it. I have beaten myself up enough that I cannot do that again, in time I know I will fully heal from this. My babies were given good milk and I have gone longer each time. So there is hope.

Some will probably think I am crazy for feeling a loss but honestly, I had hopes of nursing a year, exclusively. My chances of that are not there. I cans till do it but exclusively I won't be able to. With the help of donor milk he will get more BM then formula. It's more mental for me. So here I am, learning to cope. My children are beautiful and healthy. I made it to my 6 month goal of nursing, 9 months is next. But it's all just one day at a time.

Land-o-Laundry

One thing I hate is laundry. I have never been a fan of this. Okay, no I should say I am not a fan of the whole folding and putting away. Too bothersome in my opinion, washing, drying - fine by me. Folding and putting away? Can go do it itself. However when you have a family of 5, you accumulate a lot of laundry. It's quite sickening honestly. Season by season a new set of sick rolls its way into my hampers and call out to be washed. I tell it to screw off but they don't listen. They gather their laundry army and double by the next day. I can't win.

Or so I thought! I won the Great Laundry Battle as I have sadly dubbed it. 3 kids, there is a lot to clean, 1 husband who has more clothes then me, there is a lot to clean. My slacking honestly wasn't good. I probably did 15 good loads in the last week in a half to catch up. We have already had 1 major folding session and tonight will be our next and last. It's that crazy! But, since i have finally caught up I am going to do my best to stay on top of it. I can't say we'll get behind a bit or not but i'll do my best to avoid what i just did. On top of all that, every 3-4 days I am washing diapers.

So you probably find this boring (if you're actually reading this at all..) but i'm proud of me! To finally be caught up and done with the whole big she-bang. It's a nice accomplishment. So HA, laundry I beat YOU. Take that :p

An Amazing Story

I belong to a mom forum and it has this part where you as a blogger can sign up and have your blog appear in their update system. Well, I believe that's how it works anyways haha. Well, they have a Facebook page and on it they plugged one of their guest bloggers. Normally I skip over them and go back later when I want to read but this one just caught my eye.

It took me about 3 days to get through because with 3 kids myself, time isn't always there. I'd read some parts of a post when I was nursing Bishop, during a quick mental break or after they were all in bed. Tonight I finished it and it brought tears to my eyes. Happy ones.

This lady has gone through a lot and by that I really mean a lot. I think she is wonderful for sharing her story and journey. It is about her journey with cancer and treating it all while being pregnant. I could not imagine all that goes through a person to be dealing with cancer and then on top of it finding out you're pregnant. The ups and downs, her struggles with it and her outcome just was so capturing. It will sit in my heart forever.

I am glad that I decided to read it even if it took me a few days. I want to share it with those of you who may be reading this. So please take a moment or 3 days (har har) to read this. I am going to link you to the section called The Whole Story, it's last post is actually the most recent published yesterday. So when you're done you'll have to go to the main page to read it. I think it's definitely worth the time to read it.

Bald, Fat and Crazy

Wordless Wednesday: The Bish

One day you'll be begging me to let you nap

I don't know why I used to think naps were evil as a child because now, I want to make up all those times I refused them. I keep telling Gage that one day he'll want to do nothing but sleep (ahh teenage years..) and I'll be waking him up making him go do things. He should rethink his stance on naps now haha.

The past 2-3 weeks with Bishop have been pretty tough sleep wise. We can see a small clear spot on his bottom gums so it definitely seems to be teething. I hate teething. I want Gage type teething where it didn't bother him, he got 4 at a time and that was that haha. Bishop would be up several times a night, screaming at us basically. He is 50/50 on where he sleeps. Co-sleeping and crib, he thankfully unlike Dane is easier on where he'll go to bed. Jason and I would take turns and find out we're not exactly nice people to each other at 430am when we're both tired and half asleep.

But it figures that when he finally has a good night of sleep, only waking up twice I sleep like complete crap. A kink/pinch in my neck stopped me from getting any real decent sleep. That really bites. So between my tossing and turning then the two times Bishop woke up, I'm pooped.

One day the boys will look back on this and go "why didn't I sleep?!" I know I ask myself that question now. Oh how i wish I could go back to those days and nap for hours on end without being interrupted.

Back to cloth!

We did cloth diapers with our 2 year old Dane and i love it. I honestly am not quite sure why we just stopped but we did and well, they sat there and then were packed away when we moved 3 times. We've found some but not all of them and for the life us cannot figure out where they are. Hopefully we'll come across them.

I will be diapering both boys (Dane & Bishop) in cloth. I can't wait, I love fluff butt. I still have some bumGeniuses, fuzzibunz and a 2-3 that i got from friends. Not enough to diaper both boys. So I ordered a bunch of KaWaii diapers. I went in search of nothing but one size diapers so I can use it on both boys. I went on a big search for one that I can use with both boys, that had good reviews and it fell in a good price range for what I could spend right now.  On top of all that, I needed something that my husband would dare touch. Pre-folds? Ha, he'd look at me as if I had 3 heads.

We did the math last night that it will save us money but about a year to get there. Which is fine, but the point is we're going to end up saving money in the end. We plan on having 1 - 2 more babies (in a few years) so it'll work out with them. On top of that Dane has about this whole year before we expect him to be potty trained. We have a good 2+ years of Bishop being in diapers unless he surprises us and trains early. I doubt it, my kids seem to be stubborn in the potty training department.

So during a time we could, we decided to go back into it. This was a very short window of opportunity and I took it. Now, we'll be set and won't have to deal with the "oh crap, we're down to 1 last one!" anymore.

I'm excited, I missed it. It'll be a good thing for us as well. Let people think we're crazy even more, again. Haha. I mean we already breastfeed, co-sleep, baby wear and now cloth diaper again. I must be crazy, right?

A New year = a new age

Happy 5th Birthday, Gage!

Newborn

One!

Two!

Three!

Four!

Five!

I can't believe it's been 5 years since you entered our lives. You've brought us such joy, warmth, happiness and taught us more about ourselves then we would have learned otherwise. 

We love you Monkey Man!