Dear 630am

You bite. Yes, there, I said it. You bite. I understand why I have to meet you every morning, well, until tomorrow, but it still doesn't make me like you anymore.

I knew it was coming, I didn't want it to but I knew it was. I really don't like this whole getting up early. The boys thought 8 was good enough, I adjusted to that. Then they let me sleep till 930. Do you know how hard it is to adjust going from that late to 630 and now 6 as of tomorrow? Pretty darn difficult.

B keeps me company, starting tomorrow G will as well. I will see how he does and we may have to adjust bed times along with the early wake up. His current bed time is 830, an hour after D. That gives D a good amount of time to fall asleep without distraction and then the same for Gage.

Yuck. School, you stink. I can't believe though that G starts school a week from today. I think we are all set, I hope so anyways. Tomorrow is open house so we'll get more info and such.

I'm not ready for him to be starting school! I am but I'm not, if that makes sense. He is 100% ready and we have a count down for him on the chalk board.

A venting place

I have decided to create a blog for me to specifically vent, just to say what I want to say, but do it privately. I have moments on here where I just want to let it all out but don't, mainly because I don't want everyone reading. So, I figured my solution to that issue would be to create another blog, set it to where you need an invite to read.

I'm open for people reading if they'll respect my rights to just vent. It won't be totally censored with swearing. I have slip ups and I am working hard on not doing it, but hey, I'm human. However, not everything that is on my mind is meant for everyone specifically to see. I know it's the internet and such but I have moments that I just need to get things off my chest.

If you are interested, please let me know. I want to know who is reading my upsets and hope that they'll have the respect for me to keep what they read on those pages in that blog, there.


Note: If you are on my livejournal, I'll be doing most of that private posting on my new blog if you're interested. I do still plan to use my LJ and want to keep up with those of you who post privately. So please don't delete me off of there.

The Great Birthday Debate

What do you get an almost 1 year old who has a crap load of toys from his brothers? No, honestly, what do you get? We have no idea. I had one but J thought it would be better for Christmas and I agreed. So we're back to square one. We made him a knot tie blanket, Owls. I'm in love with it and I hope he loves it as much as his brothers love theirs.

But as far as a gift, what do we get him? We don't need to get him anything big or fancy. Just something for him. He's sharing everything (even when we ask them to leave his toys alone) and we would like just one thing for him to play with. We know that'll be hard given brothers who think they can have everything but not share, but we want to try.

I'm at a total loss! I'm in denial that he's already turning one, then on top of my denial I have to face it with this whole gift thing.

My baby is NOT turning one and will NOT need a gift. I guess that'll solve the problem haha.

Prepping for School

Its still so strange to be at this part in our lives with our oldest. It's just honestly flat out odd. I swear it was just yesterday we brought him home from the hospital. Sat him on our bed and thought "what now?" Now, he's 5, going on 6 and is just so energetic, smart, brave and handsome. When did my teeny 7lbs 5oz baby become this tall, young, handsome little boy? Who's starting freaking Kindergarten!

I feel totally clueless in this department. I really don't know who to turn to for support. I have friends on forums who have had kids go through kinder and such but nobody local. My mom is here but her youngest is well, me, so it's obviously been years since she has had a baby in Kindergarten.

I'm not ready. I know I have to suck it up and put on a happy face but I'm not ready! Let me stomp my foot for a moment if you don't mind. Why now? Why have the past 5 1/2 years flown by so quickly that he's going to school? I know it'll do wonders for him. He's so social and friendly, he is excited to learn. School will be a good thing for him. But is it selfish of me that I don't want to let go of him? I want to keep him home with me.

I could home school but in all honesty as much as I would love to, I know he wouldn't do well with it. I wouldn't do well with it. I think he'll learn better when it isn't me trying to teach him. I have done well so far. He can say and write out his ABC's, he can spell his own name, he can recite our home address and my cell number. He's a smart cookie and absorbs knowledge like it's nothing, but, having him gone for so long? I'm not sure how I'll adjust. I will, I know I will.

I don't worry about him. I know him and he is going to do wonderful. He will make tons of friends and do so well. I do hope that he listens, he can be a little problematic in that department. With routine and some stern voices, I know he'll be fine. He just gets so excited and wants to do so many things, that's where it falters. I know he'll do fine. He's always been the one who I knew would be just fine without me when it came to school.

He's ready and so excited, I just need to find how to get to that same place.

Six years of Wedded bliss, aka, washing his underwear.

Six years ago yesterday I married my best friend. The journey there was fast and beyond that it has had it's major up and downs. I however would never change it for anything. He is my soul mate, the one, my best friend, you know, all that cheesy stuff. But he is who I am supposed to have my ups and my downs with. He is who I am supposed to have a family with. He is who I am supposed to share my feelings with.

We have been together almost seven years, now married six. Most people probably thought we'd be divorced before our first anniversary. If you were one, bite me! Marriage is hard. Very hard and if anyone tells you otherwise they're lying or in major denial. He pushes all the wrong buttons, he knows how to make my knees shake. He can place his hand on my shoulder and let me know everything will be okay.

We aren't perfect and I don't claim to be and never will. I have learned you really need to speak your feelings. Holding them in will honestly just make it so much worse. However after six years, I still do it. I just have my moments. It pisses him off but he does the same thing. We're human. We argue but we make up, move past it. If we can't have disagreements, we're living in a fantasy.

In those Six years of marriage we have had three beautiful sons. I know most people do the math from when we were married, together and had our oldest. The answer to your question is yes. However, he was not the reason for the marriage. He was an added perk. Our three boys mean so much to us. We are growing with them, learning from them and loving them.

He has taught me how to be less selfish (I would be lying if I said I wasn't selfish at all. I have my moments), he has taught me how to love and feel beautiful/acceptable. He shows me he loves me, cares about me. He works hard for us. He does his best and beyond. Without him, I wouldn't be complete. I wouldn't have my 3 beautiful boys, I wouldn't have my best friend. I wouldn't have my partner, my Jase. I am my own, but he adds so much to me. Our marriage isn't perfect but it is a very good one.

Here are to six more years and then 50 more on top of that. He stole my heart and then split it with my boys.

I love at the end of the day, my hand fits perfectly into his. <3

Brothers

Some photos of my boys as of recent that have really melted my heart. They are all getting so big and have started to bond which I love. Seeing them play together nicely and honestly, even when they fight I am happy to see them grow together. These are some recent photos that have just made my day.

It's all apart of Growing up.

G lost his first tooth yesterday! He had two loose and the bottom one is the one that bit the dust first. We thought for sure he'd lose the top left one first but nope, the bottom left came looser and last night while at my moms watching a Super Mario DVD it popped out.

I was sitting next to him in another chair and he jumped up and yelled "It fell out, it fell out!" then started his typical 5 year old happy dance. Came over to me and plopped that tooth right in my hand an went "SEEE! It fell OUT!"

I was so happy for him, mainly because I was very afraid on how he'd react. He doesn't like blood. He knocked hit much more loose the other day and freaked out. Didn't do well with it at all. I calmed him down and he then became very sensitive to the tooth, by that, I mean he was afraid to eat basically. I convinced him he'd be fine. It's all the process of losing a tooth and this being his first, his fears were very understandable. We wanted him to take it in stride and not force anything. When it falls out, it falls out basically. That's exactly what happened and he did great. Didn't even freak when he saw the blood in his spit. I'm so proud of him! Soon his other tooth will become much more loose and he'll have 2 gone. He's growing far too fast. A missing tooth, starting kinder and will soon be 6. Where did my biggest baby go?!

Oh and he was given $5 from Grandma and Papa for losing his 1st tooth (and was told that was for the first one only haha) and then the Tooth Fairy (he believes) brought him as he put it "Two whole one dollars!"

So proud of you buddy!

Starting to Wonder

I know we aren't the only ones who are struggling and honestly I'm not open about it because, why should I have to be? We have been doing all we can to get ahead yet we seem to keep falling back. When is our break? Two years in a few months, that's how long we've been struggling and pushing through. Going up and down the stupid roller coaster begging and pleading to get off of it. Yet, that life handler, the one who holds the key to shutting the machine off is refusing. One step forward, five steps back. That's what it feels like anyways. The worlds weight is getting slightly heavy.

When is our break? It's becoming so soul crushing to know that it's not getting better, it's in fact getting worse. Having any hope anymore just doesn't exist. I'm beyond stressed, we are trying to figure everything out to survive and yet we're falling short. I feel like we're failing. We could sit here and do nothing, but we're trying.

I have become very thankful for certain people in my life. They have been there to listen to me at my worst, support me no matter what and just be a wonderful shoulder to lean on. Our families have been wonderful, so supportive in trying to help us the best that they can but they also have things going on with them.

I just feel like a burden when talking about my life. Why would anyone honestly want to listen to it? We are doing our best, we are exhausting all we can to figure out what to do on our next try. I just don't know anymore. How many times can someone be picked up then knocked right back down again?

Please don't tell me life will get better. It honestly does not help. It may get better but unless that happens in the next 15 minutes, it means diddly squat to me. I can't take it anymore.

Faith, that word means joke to me now.

No book review yet

I'm not done yet with the book. Close, but not done. Once I'm done we are going to start putting our plan into action. One thing we have done is started to change the discipline. We've read that part of the book, both of us and I have it written down as a quick go to guide as well as having it marked off in the book. I have noticed breaking my discipline habits are going to be hard but I have done good so far. That is important as well. So, it hasn't been easy but it's worked when we have been 100% successful in following her guidelines. Jason has been doing a great job as well!

So, tonight I plan on finishing the book and then we both will sit down at the dining table and make out our rules and schedule. This honestly comes at a perfect time because Gage starts school next month and I planned on starting a new schedule/routine to get us all ready for him to go. So this works out great on timing. I can work it out to fit the school routine.

That is where we are right now. I am going to try and do a detailed review of each section and such. So far I really do recommend this book if you are in a similar situation as us. Where nothing seems to be working, you are getting way too angry/frustrated and its lashing out. They laugh at you when you try to discipline. We were at the end of our rope and so far it is working. I have high hopes. We just need to do our part and stick to it, not give in.

Off to finish the book and then start our strategy!